Happy Blogday!

Hooray! You're Born And Then You Die is 1 year old today. I can't believe it's been a year since I did my very first posting. I'm also amazed that I've kept going this long. Today is posting number 145. That equates to an average of a posting every 3 days which I reckon is not bad at all.

In the last 12 months I've posted my thoughts on a huge variety of subjects including: football, trees, work, my wife, cars, poo, booze, relationships, the weather, my parents, lighthouses, being 40, Birmingham City, iPods, iMacs, flags, British barbeques, language, DIY, rozzers, the Simpsons, tennis, refrigeration, ballooning, the cat, mobile phones, shopping, Tony Blair, Greenland, fish & chips, dry cleaning, public transport, scissors, podcasting, zoos, holidays, burgers, pigeons, murder mystery, pears, Captain Pugwash, Citroen 2CV's, walking, false boobs, Hallowe'en, global warming, neck pain, Iceland, sheep, weddings, horses and carts, wee-wee, facelifts, computer games, nuclear testing, broadband, tinned fish, iTunes, Cricket, chestnuts, the ELF Cup, digital radio, car parking, being ill, food, arrogance, tiredness, plagiarism, movies Christmas and cheese.

Not bad eh? Mind you, one of the reasons I've kept YBATYD going is all the support I've had from my band of merry readers, especially those who give me feedback in emails and by posting comments. Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed. I really, really do appreciate your sterling efforts. If you haven't done so, do give the comments a read as there is some pure, golden wit to be found. Another thing you may like to try is the 'Lables' facility. Each posting is tagged with labels that connects posts with related content. I've tagged nearly every posting now so if you liked a posting on, say, gadgets or Greenland, then just click on the label under that posting and everything I've ever written on that subject will be presented to you in a flash. Go on, have a go.

Finally today, I'd like to say that YBATYD has been a real revelation to me. I never realised what a wonderful diary it would become. However, it's so much more than a diary because it contains the feedback and thoughts of people (some of whom I don't even know) who have actually read what I've written. I really like that because it's great to share your views with others and with a 'normal' diary you just don't get that outside input.

Well, as we teeter on the precipice of a new year, I hope you've all enjoyed reading YBATYD. I try to make it amusing, even funny on occasion, but tempered by realism. Heaven forefend that I should become a parody of myself. That would never do.

And so, dear readers, it's goodbye to 2006 and a Happy Birthday to YBATYD. See you next year!

Happy iPod

I have had a problem with my iPod. I was getting the dreaded 'Error 48' which basically means that you cannot update your iPod from iTunes. Not only that, but all the album artwork gets jumbled up, photos won't display and ... and ...

Well anyway, I rang the friendly Apple technical support chaps and they fixed it for me. If anyone's actually interested, the solution is a temporary workaround until they issue some updated firmware for the iPod. Hooray.

So now my iPod is a happy gadget again and I am a happy chappie again. When my gadgets become poorly I get really hassled. Like I did when my iMac was unwell a while ago and like I did when my Xbox 360 felt unwell a few months back. So as you can see, my personal happiness is directly related to the well-being of just about any electronic, inanimate items that I own. Is that weird?

Oh who cares? I'm going to give my telly a cuddle.

Amnesia update

Thanks to Kelvin (comment on previous post) regarding the film I was waffling on about yesterday. Yes indeed, it's Memento (2002) starring Guy Pearce. Of course I would have remembered it eventually. Possibly. I wonder if there are any other memory-loss-related films out there? Actually, I don't really care if I never see another amnesia-related movie.

I'd only forget I'd seen it.

Back to work

I suppose it had to happen. Work. The weird thing is though that when I came back, everything was almost exactly the same as when I finished work on Saturday afternoon. Now that's both good and bad. It's good in that I was able to slide back into things without any problems. It's bad in that it made me feel like I'd never been away. It's almost like Xmas never happened.

Now feeling like something never happened has got me thinking about amnesia. There was great film I saw which was all about a bloke who lost his memory and had to piece his life back together bit by bit to find out how and why he murdered someone. The thing is, I can't remember the name of the bloody film. My wife will remember though.

She has an astonishing ability to recall characters, plots, sub-plots and actors from tons of films. She's also very good at watching films. By this I mean that even if something is evidently quite seriously crap, she'll just keep right on to the end. I don't think she's ever given up on a film, no matter how abysmal. Now, me, I'll happily press 'stop' on the old DVD player if the film is really poor, but not her. She'll carry stoically on to the bitter end regardless. I really do admire her fortitude.

She reminds me of a film critic. If you're a crtitic you simply have to watch movies in their entirety so that you can provide a full and detailed critique afterwards. So that's what my wife does, which is admirable but not always neccessary. For example after about 4 minutes of the 2002 film 'The Secretary', I was able to declare that it was indeed, crap. 100 minutes later my wife came to the same conclusion. And my point? I saved 100 minutes of my life. Yet, I must be fair. She often watches films that have had awful reviews or start off really badly but have actually turned out to be little crackers. So maybe she's right after all. Oh, I appear to be rambling. How did I get on to this subject? I can't remember.

Oh yes, amnesia. Er..

Blogging on Boxing Day

Well Christmas is over for another year and as a result, the sales are already on. We're being inundated with ads on the telly for 'massive discounts on all sofas', 'huge price reductions on shagpile carpets' and 'amazing savings on all printers'. Oh the joys of retail mania. I don't know if any of you brave souls will be venturing out to DFS, Carpetrite or PC World today, 'cos I know I definitely won't be.

So if you're not going to be buying stuff you can't afford, maybe you'll be enjoying your Xmas pressies? I did really well on the gift front. My top pressies included 'Monty Python & The Holy Grail' on DVD (along with 'the Meaning of Life'); the new Bill Bryson book; some very funky new shoes, a Jamie Oliver 'flavour-shaker' and ... well, it can only be described as a suspiciously sexual-looking banana-holder. Just see the photo and we'll talk about it no more.

Well, as I type I'm having a Skype conference call with my two sisters (one in the UK and one in the USA) which is always an incredible experience. This is because my two sisters are loudest human beings on the planet. Really. However, I'm pretty loud too so when we are all talking at the same time, we can shatter windows and make birds drop out of the sky with no problem. If you add in various nieces, nephews and other relatives it can end up sounding like Krakatoa on steroids. It's just great to chat to everyone though.

Ah well, it's time to head off to some more in-laws now for yet more food and drink although unbelievably, I only drank one glass of wine yesterday. This must mean I'm not 100% well, which I'm not. And no, it's not man-flu either, before you ask. I'm sure I shall soldier manfully on despite my illness and suffering.

And I'll only get hammered to be polite. Obviously.

Merry Christmas!

I can't stop - Chrismassy things to enjoy, so here's to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and I hope you have as much fun as I'm having. Full, present run-down soon, including my new shoooooes!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ....

My Christmas Eve message

This could be one of my shortest posts ever. I would just like to wish all my readers a very merry Christmas for tomorrow. Wherever you are in the world tonight, I just hope that your Christmas is a special, warm and loving time where you get a chance to experience the humanity of your fellow man. Even if it's just for one day out of the year - share some love with someone because ...

... you're born and then you die, so you may as well enjoy the bit in the middle.

Random occurence of the day

I was driving to work this morning and I witnessed one of those delightfully random sights that make you feel so pleased that you own a pair of fully working eyeballs. Now in the photo above you can see a young chap using a 'diablo'. A diablo is one of those 'circus-skills' pieces of equipment that many people have tried but few have mastered - myself included.

The way it's supposed to work is that you hold a stick in each hand. They are connected by a length of string/twine upon which you place the plastic bit, shaped like two cups stuck together, on. Once it's sitting there you start moving the sticks up and down, alternately, so that the plastic 'cups' thing starts to spin. Once you get up some good speed you can then flick it into the air and then (and this is the hard bit) catch it on the string again as it comes back down. That's just the basic method and as you can tell, it's really pretty tricky to achieve. Once you get really competent you can do loads more, but just getting started is a real challenge.

So imagine my visual joy when I drove past this ancient bloke who was attempting to master the diablo, this morning. He must have been about 80. He was wearing a flat cap, cardigan and old trousers that didn't quite reach his ankles. He was standing on the pavement next to a busy main road at 8.55 am - with a bright orange diablo set.

I don't know if he'd escaped from somewhere or was just a sad, old circus grandad who was trying to re-live the glorious diablo-days of yesteryear ... on the pavement. Don't get me wrong though. He looked very happy and was obviously having a whale of a time.

Oh the fun you can have with two sticks, a bit of string and a lump of plastic.

Thank you Secret Santa

I don't know who he or she is but I love them. If you don't know what Secret Santa is, it's one of those stupid ideas that got made up by someone, once upon a time that is still around now. And actually, it's not so stupid, it's actually quite nice and even good fun.

The idea is simple. At your place of work you pick a name of a colleague out of a hat, buy them a pressie worth about a fiver (or more if you work in London or Haverford West), wrap it and lob it in a box. On the big day, someone dresses up as the big, fat jolly fella and hands out the gifts. The thing is though, no-one knows who has bought which present. It's all very exciting, especially as some people get crap presents and others get truly wonderful ones.

Well, guess who got a wonderful one? Moi. Oh yes indeedy. I got a Birmingham City scarf and how chuffed was I? Very, extremely a lot chuffed. It's something I've been meaning to get for years as my old scarf died when I was about 16 and ever since I've always felt a bit naked in the neck department so this was the perfect gift. The only downside is that as I don't know who bought it for me, I can't thank them. Maybe they'll read this and then they'll now how really grateful I am. I wonder what I'll get next year?

Birmingham City pants maybe?

Too busy?

Aaaarrggh! My God, I can be so unreliable sometimes. OK, enough of me going on and on about not posting much at the moment. I did say this would be the case a while ago, so in my defence, I did warn you, dear readers. There, I feel better now.

So Christmas is nearly upon us again. I feel a tad guilty as this year, a large proportion of the presents I've bought have been purchased either via the wonders of the Tinterweb or have been the 'safe' sorts of presents that require little or no planning / tortuous trips to every shop in town. However, I actually know that these gifts will be just what people want ... er, I hope so. Oh well, everyone finds a portable toilet seat warmer useful. Don't they?

I promised I'd give you some detail on some recent events. One of these was (one of) our office party(s) that we had at lunchtime last Friday. There was the interesting mix of extroverts, show-offs and professional drinkers on our table whilst all the other tables housed accountants, council workers and solicitors. We stuck out like the proverbial 'sore thumb' which is exactly the way I like it. God we were loud, especially when we won, by some miracle, the obligatory, festive 'pub quiz'. There were rumours that we had cheated by using Google on someone's mobile phone but the solicitors were obviously a bit crap as they failed to make the allegation stick. Ha!

The highlight of the whole 'do' was the drunken version of 'Oops Upside Your Head' performed by some of our most esteemed staff in front of a hundred or so stunned onlookers. This was at 2pm. That's 2pm. It's just a shame I had to go to work afterwards. On second thoughts...

If you can bear it, I'll be back soon with more excitement and tales of wonder from my fabulous world. Oh yes and in response to a comment - no I'm not the burly copper. I'm also not a cross-dressing, Welsh hermaphrodite with a penchant for pink leotards and lemming milk.

Sometimes I worry about me. This is one of those times.

Sorry sorry sorry

Oh my God. I haven't posted for THREE days. I'm so sorry my loyal readers. I promise to get back on the straight and narrow immediately. My only excuse is that life/work is very busy right now and I'm immensely tired. OK, that's a crap excuse so I apologise for that as well.

Right, well as this is merely a grovelling apology, I'll write no more for now but I will write again tomorrow and let you know all about my amusing/bizarre Xmas 'do' at work, Birmingham's brilliant victory on Saturday and the ear-shattering pub band I had the er, joy of hearing tonight.

So don't despair, I shall return. Oh and I'll tell you about me, the drunk and the off-duty policeman on Saturday night. That's all I can think of for now but I shall furnish you with all the juicy details in the coming week. Oh and I have to 'sorry' yet again as I haven't had time to do my podcast which was due this weekend. I just can't cope with having to do all these things at once.

If only I'd been born a woman...

One in 52,000,000

Apparently I'm a minority. I'm one in only 52 million people who have their own blog. I've just been reading about a report by some analysts that says that blogging is set to peak in 2007. Ooh, I hope I don't peak too early.

Anyway, the story (click the title of this posting to take you to the BBC site) says that "during the middle of next year the number of blogs will level out at about 100 million". However, what's more interesting is that according to the report by analysts Gartner, 200 million people had stopped writing their blogs. Now this got me thinking about this blog. Back on the 25th Jan 2006, I wrote in a posting about my blog fatigue, saying that the 'pressure' of having to come up with (hopefully) witty and interesting stuff regularly is actually quite pressurised. So I decided that I'd just post my thoughts when I felt like it and not when I felt I should. This made a big difference and in fact, I now blog every 1-2 days but if I have to leave it any longer, then that's OK by me.

So I suppose 2 million people just couldn't face the self-imposed pressure of writing stuff on a regular basis. A major factor for me keeping on writing, is the feedback (be it emails or comments), that I get from you, my loyal and lovely readers. It's provides me with a real incentive to continue my vague ramblings and inane thoughts.

So thank you for reading and remember: You're born and then you die, so you may as well enjoy the bit in the middle...

You'd be proud Mrs Curbishley

Alan Curbishley is a football manager. Today, he was announced as the new manager of Premiership team West Ham Utd. As well as being a manager, he was previously a player at several clubs including West Ham and Birmingham City. I remember watching him play for the Blues back in the early 1980's.

It was also at this time that I used to insist that my mum should learn all the names of the Blues players. This was so I could impress my mates with my mum's excellent footie knowledge. Ha, it makes me laugh just recalling the hours she spent pretending to be thrilled at having to learn all these blokes names. However, she did so with gusto and my mates all thought she was dead cool and a credit to mum's around the world. Well, the village anyway.

So imagine my surprise and joy when I received a text message from her yesterday saying "Didn't Alan Curbishley, proposed manager of West Ham, used to play for Birmingham?" Obviously I fired off a speedy response in the affirmative, adding that I was well impressed with her knowledge. So, if Alan's mum ever reads this I hope she realises just how memorable her little lad has become.

1-0 to my mum I think.

Xmas lights

Following on from a previous post and due to popular demand, here is a photo of our neighbour's magnificent light display. The photo just cannot do it justice but believe me, the flashing-ness has to be seen to be believed. We love it. Click on the photo for a larger (grainy I'm afraid) version.

Let there be light ...

Friends are great

Just had a really great weekend and it was great because we saw some of our friends. On Friday we went to see two people who we always love going to see. You can always tell when you get on with someone when you feel like you're just going into another room in your house. I like that feeling.

Whilst we were there, aside from all the usual stuff - eating and drinking, we also played this DVD pub quiz game. Oh hilarity abounded. Why? Well most of the questions were completely impossible to answer. Questions like 'The first television broadcast was in which year? 1915, 1924, 1926, 1929'. Er.... There was another question that asked what relation someone whom we'd never heard of was to someone else we'd never heard of. Tricky. So the whole thing became lesson in guesswork and thus, the game was the winner. Thank God for alcohol.

On Saturday we went to see some other friends and their beautiful 5 month-old baby girl. She's a right looker even with a chin full of dribble and, as they say, will one day break a thousand hearts. Bless her. Babies are great. They do such random things like laughing, crying and vomiting. She did two out of three as crying ain't really in her repertoire which is quite unusual for a baby. It must be her wonderful parents influence.

I learnt one new and disturbing fact about babies on that night. Apparently it's really easy for milk to find it's way into the folds of skin round the little 'uns neck when it's very young. This milk build up can go un-noticed until bathtime by which time it's magically turned into a form of soft cheese. Oh my God! Mind you, if you've run out of Dairylea ...

Sorry about that last comment. The weekend was also the time to out up the old Xmas decorations and erect the magnificent tree (Homebase £39.99 last year). So now it all looks dead festive although I'm on the hunt for some outdoor fairy lights seeing as how we have Blackpool illuminations over the road, I don't want to feel left out. I strongly believe that whatever lighting I put up, it will still pale into insignificance when stacked up against our neighbours amazing display.

Maybe I'll just wrap some tinsel round the drainpipe.

Cor blimey, a tornado

I was talking the other day about the lack of severe weather recently. Now I'm not advocating meteorologically-induced death and destruction, just a bit of flooding, heavy snow or strong winds. Strong winds, yes but surely not tornadoes? Well, as you may or may not know, we do get a few 'tornadoes' in the UK each year although these tend to be ickle, teensy-weensy efforts that may just manage to lift a bobble hat off a toddler or whip a stray raspberry from an outdoor trifle. However we don't usually get full bifters tornadoes like the one that hit part of London the other day.

OK, so it's not quite the F5 tornado that nailed Oklahoma a few years back but it was still pretty impressive by UK standards. However, being England, there had to be a funny side. I was watching the news and they were reporting on the whole thing. They were interviewing eye witnesses and most people were quietly saying how shocking and unbelievable it all was. Suddenly this mad Londoner appeared. She was very excited and was describing this "major tornado". The best bit was when she said the following (picture it - eyes wide, hair all over the place and talking like a rabid goat-herder)- "... it was so loud and you could hear the wind rushing through the house ... it sounded like the doors were going to be ripped off and they nearly were!" Brilliant. 'The doors were ripped off'. No-one died, her house wasn't torn from it's foundations but a door nearly came adrift from it's frame.

Now that's cutting edge reporting for you.

Second Life

No, I'm not talking about the return of Jesus or my alternative, weekend persona - Cassandra. I'm talking about that oh so bizarre phenomenon that is the online, virtual 3D world with over a million 'residents,. I've heard a lot about it in recent weeks and was intrigued to find out what all the fuss was aboutand I took my first tentative steps into this other world today.

It's actually quite an overwhelming experience. Yeah, I know that sounds a bit odd/dramatic/geeky but it's true. The first thing I must say is that Second Life (SL) is NOT a game. It's a whole 'world' filled with virtual people who are created by real people. You can choose to look however you like (200 tweaks can be made) and you can change your appearance whenever you wish. So what do you actually do there? Chat, communicate, share experiences, fly (yes you can fly), build homes, set up businesses - anyting you can do in the real world and a whole lot more.

What's really amazing is that although everything in SL is virtual, there's plenty of real money involved. I haven't learnt all the details yet but I do know that in SL is a virtual currency called the Linden dollar. You can buy virtual dollars with real-world cash. You use this money to buy and rent land, build property and a myriad other services. There are even real-life companies existing in SL. Companies such as Adidas, Dell (you can buy a real PC there), MTV, Reuters, Toyota and the BBC who recreated the 2006 One Big Weekend event on a 64 acre virtual island! Just to demonstrate how big this whole SL thing is, in September 06 the Second Life economy generated US$3,596,674 in economic activity and as of September 2006 Second Life was reported to have a GDP of $64 Million. However, I'm not interested in any of that right now.

I'm just trying to get my hair colour right.

Top 5 websites

I was asked to suggest my top 5 websites for a magazine the other day. I had to write 100 words on each site and why I liked it. I thought it would be easy but, surprisingly, it was much harder than I had expected. You see, in reality, my favourite websites are mostly technology or news-related sites and I thought it would come across a bit narrow-minded if my top 5 were all in the same vein. The other problem was suggesting sites that are really obvious or bog-standard ones like the BBC website. Mind you, I did choose a couple of very well-known sites but hopefully I managed to give a different perspective on them. Gosh, isn't this serious and grown-up?

So what did I choose? Well, I resisted the urge to mention YBATYD which I thought was extremely modest of me. The ones I did choose were: Stuff (gadgets & tech); Google (not the search engine bit - things like Gmail, Reader and docs); Apple (not just Mac's - movie trailers too); Fuel of Britain (Pot Noodle game! 2D platform game where a fat Welsh miner digs fro Pot Noodles); YouTube (yeah I know, but it's a Web 2.0 site so therefore, socially important. Er..)

www.pantswithgravy.com didn't make the cut. Sadly.

Podcast

Just a quick one. It's podcast time again although my podcast site seems to have gone all to cock. I'm working on it. In the meantime, if you haven't done so already, you can subscribe from the podcast site, via iTunes. Just click on the 'podcast' link at the top of the YBATYD blog page. The podcast is available to you now.

It's been a busy weekend as we went to see the panto on Friday followed by the traumatic experience of Christmas shopping yesterday followed by the slightly more enjoyable activity of going to see the new James Bond film, Casino Royale today. It was really pretty great although a million miles away from the glittery, cross-dressing extravaganza that the panto was.

You can't beat watching hairy blokes in dresses, dancing though.

Hello December

Oooh slap my thighs and go to the foot of our stairs. Haven't I been remiss? No postings for two whole days. I think I may have contravened the International Blogging Code of Conduct, section 228k, sub-section 9, paragraph d, point 11a (revised) which states that "the blogger shall, notwithstanding acts of God; force majeure; actual or attempted terrorist actions; flood, fire, earthquake, volcanic eruption, hurricane, tornado, stiff breeze or lack of interest, ensure that a posting (henceforth referred to as 'a posting') shall be actioned on a daily basis insofar and without prejudice, it is feasible and safe (without contravention of local and/or global health & safety regulations) to do so."

So I apologise.

Well, what's happened in those 'missing' days? Well my Xbox 360 returned from Microsoft's repair centre, somewhere in deepest southern England into my excited, sweaty little mitts. Er, that's about it other than to mention our fantastic neighbours over the road who yesterday switched on their absolutely wonderful Christmas lights. They are a joy to behold and I shall endeavour to get a photo for you all soon. I assure you, it'll be worth the wait.

So December is here and that means the festive season is now definitely upon us. Mind you, just about every retail outlet in the land seems to think we want to start buying Christmas presents in bloody September. I really hate that. It's nearly as bad as the January sales that actually start 14 seconds after Christmas day. And don't get me started on Easter.

Prepare for the 'January-Easter-Xmas-Passover-Diwali bonanza sale special'

myTunes

I love iTunes. I currently have (as well as some video, numerous podcasts, a few games and audiobooks) 1,849 songs on my iMac. Apparently, that means I could play a different tune for 5 days, 10 hours, 13 minutes and 40 seconds. That many songs equates to 7.81 gigabytes which is pretty good, especially when my iPod can take another 22 gig's worth of songs before it's full.

Now there's one main reason I love iTunes. It's not the fact that I can now have instant access to my entire music library at any time. Neither is it the fact that I can add songs really quickly and easily whenever I want. No, the reason I really love iTunes is because it's opened my eyes to music I had either never heard, never enjoyed or forgotten about. I still have times when I'm listening to my iPod and song comes on that I've never heard before. Not only that, but because I'm listening to it on my super, noise-cancelling earphones the whole experience becomes more immersive and involving. I have discovered loads of songs that I'd never really listened to before and now find that they are among my favourites. Now that is pretty amazing.

Now I'm not going to be all pro-Apple here. Whichever music player and music system you use, the experience will be pretty much the same. Years ago, I had a Sony Walkman and listened to cassette tapes as I lay in the garden. Yet, almost no-one used these wonderful, but bulky, low audio-quality bits of kit on a daily basis. When the portable CD players came out, they became fairly popular but again, they were bulky. Also, you had to carry around dozens of spare CD's unless you really wanted to hear the same album over and over again. And boy, did they skip if you did anything like walking fast or, dare I say it, dance around a bit.

After the portable CD players had achieved moderate success, we saw the arrival of Minidisc players. I actually have an old Sony model. The sound quality was really good, so an improvement over the cassettes and on a par with the CD's. Where it scored over the CD players was that you could fit multiple albums onto one disc. I managed 5 albums on a disc, although the more music you added, the lower the quality as all the information had to be squeezed more tightly to fit onto the disc. Minidisc never really took off and I only ever bought one 'proper' minidisc album. Thanks Moby. After that, there was a long gap until MP3 players hit the streets and things really heated up when Apple launched the iPod in October 2001. I think we know what happened next.

When I got my iPod for my 40th birthday it was like being a child again. I was so excited and amazed at this revolution in music that appeared when I opened the box. And now I can't imagine not having a portable music player in my possession. I can't imagine not having 1849 songs on my computer. So what's going to happen when the next generation of music format arrives? Perhaps we'll have to grapple with virtual music, liquid sound or nano tunes. Who knows? What I do know is that ABBA were right when they said...

... "Thank you for the music".

ELF Cup and cricket

I've lost interest in this competition since Greenland went out but if anyone is at all bothered, the final was yesterday and the winners of the ELF Cup 2006 were Northern Cyprus. Oh, alright then. If you must. The final score was Northern Cyprus 3 - 1 Crimea. Happy now?

And I'm not going to mention the cricket because a) you may not like cricket, b) you've no idea what cricket is, c) we're performing abysmally against Australia in the Ashes (down under) so I'd rather not mention it . And that's all there is to say about that.

Oh, and the 'vigorous storm' we were told was heading our way the other day? Nothing. A bit of rain and that was it. What an anti-cliamx. At least Birmingham won yet again on Saturday, against Burnley.

Wow, what a stupendously disjointed posting. Oh well, a change is as good as a rest as they say. You can have too much of a good thing can't you. So I thought I'd deliver something that had no structure, format or point to it.

And I think I've succeeded

Exploding nuts

Oh my God. I nearly died today. Well, not actually nearly died but I did almost have a trouser movement. What happened? Well, I had popped down to Tesco's to get some bits 'n' bobs, as you do and I espied some rather nice-looking chestnuts. So, on the spur of the moment, I thought I'd get some.

Right. Cue 20 minutes later and the chezzies are on the old baking tray, cooking away in the oven. Now I've only ever bought roasted chestnuts from one of those funny little roadside stalls, so I was inexperienced in the way of the chezzie. But how hard can it be I thought?

After 8 minutes in the oven I took the baking tray out and the smell of the hot chestnuts enveloped and teased my sense of smell, lulling me into a sort of food-infused daze. My reverie was shattered though by what happened next. I was leaning over the tray, inhaling the delectable odour one of the little b***ards exploded in my face. When I say exploded, I mean exploded. Fragnments of pulverised chestnut shot everywhere, including over my horror-stricken face. As I recoiled in shock I knocked over a china bowl which smashed into pieces on the tiled kitchen floor. I was staggered. I was flabbergasted. I was covered in bits of chestnut.

Chestnuts? Never again.

A touch of wind

Well the forecasters say there's going to be a 'vigorous storm' in the south and central parts of the UK tonight. Crikey. Now if you happen to live in 'tornado alley' in the U.S or in just about anywhere in S.E Asia or indeed many other parts of the world, you'll be more than used to severe weather. However, here in dear old Blighty our weather is, usually, fairly benign.

Mind you, things are a changin'. This summer for example was, if I recall correctly, the hottest ever in the UK. Also, the water table (the level of underground water) is at it's lowest level since records began and has been getting worse in the last few years. We certainly seem to be having more regular extremes of weather anyway. The perception (in Hollywood films at least) of the UK as being permanently shrouded in fog is seriously inaccurate. Nowadays it's either face-melting sun or enough rain to give Noah's Ark a good outing, meaning that we keep breaking all sorts of meteorological records.

Let's hope tonight's 'breeze' isn't one of them.

Farewell Polar Teddy Bears

"Stýrðu hingat eikjunni,ek mun þér stöðna kenna, eða hverr á skipit, er þú heldr við andit?" I've no idea what this means but I do know that it's poetry written in (Western) Greenlandish (Kalaallisut). A fitting testement I think to the brave chaps of the Greenland national footie team who, yesterday, bowed out of the ELF Cup following a 1-0 defeat to Kyrgyzstan. This meant the lads finished third in Group A and were thus eliminated.

It's sad to see them go but we must dry away our Arctic tears and get on with things. Well the semi-finals are being held on Friday (Kyrgyzstan V Crimea and Northern Cyprus V Zanzibar) with the final on Sunday. Northern Cyprus have got to be the favourites after absolutely nailing poor little Tibet 10-0 in the group stage. Just click on this posting's title for more exciting info on the the whole thing.

Well, other than an update on the final, I fear that's about it for the ELF Cup. Alas dear reader, it means a return to the mundane postings about my life and the bizarre thoughts I have. Mind you, if there is anything out there in the big wide world that you think may be of interest to me / the readers, then feel free to email me at 'bornthendie@mac.com' any time and maybe, just maybe we'll find something to rival the awesome ELF Cup...

Surely not?

ELF Cup update 4

I told you this tournament was going to be good. For some reason the Elf Cup chaps have been a tad remiss and not posted any of today's results. I hope there's not been a major catastrophe like the team bus breaking down, or the security bloke at the stadium forgetting to unlock the gates. So, it looks like you'll just have to wait for the big Greenland v Kyrgyzstan result a bit longer.

I just have to say that I absolutely love today's photo. Feel free to click on it for a wonderful, larger version. The picture is of a highly 'talented' Gaguazia player er, tackling a little Greenlander. I have never seen anything like it in my entire life. What the bloody hell is he doing? Mind you, the Greenland player doesn't exactly look like Ronaldo either. In fact they both look like they've just been told that the ball is packed with dynamite and are desperate to get away from it. The Gaguazian chap actually looks like he may have pooed himself with fright! Oh, this is so immature but I'm laughing as I type this ... sorry ... oh dear.

Aside from the super ELF Cup (click on the title of this posting to take you to more fabulous photos from the tournament), I've been training new staff this evening. I always feel sorry for new staff because training, no matter how hard you try, is nearly always a turgid affair. I do try and make it more exciting but sometimes I try a bit too hard and then people just stare blankly at me. However, that didn't happen tonight and I think it all went well. Perhaps the next time I see them, I can tell them all about Greenland's marvellous 'Polar Teddy Bears'.

It's blank stares again isn't it?

Get it Onn

Ooh I love my gadgets. So imagine my joy when my wife suggested yesterday that it was about time we treated ourselves to a DAB (digital) radio. We'd been considering buying one for ages but decided to be all grown-up and cost-conscious. However, when we discovered that Asda (Wal Mart) were flogging a cracking little DAB radio (the exact one that's in the photo, made by Onn) for just £30, we could contain ourselves no longer.

It's just wonderful, especially when you listen to stations that are broadcast on medium wave instead of FM. I listen to a MW station all the time and the reception is often similar to that experienced by Cape Canaveral during the 1960's Apollo missions. On DAB it sounds like liquid glass slicing through soft butter. Er ...

Now, all 30 stations are crystal clear and my wife and I can now switch between our respective favourites with ease. No honestly, it's really exciting. You even get the name of the currently-playing song displayed on the radio! So now the crappy old transistor radio has been banished to the bathroom where it will eventually rot and die. Die. Die! So farewell medium wave and hello digital radio.

Now that's a turn-Onn

ELF cup update 3

Oh you beauties! The Polar Teddy Bears have made my day. My wife and I went to a very jolly christening today which was followed by a magnificent slap-up meal. So that was good enough but upon our return home I checked the results from day one at my beloved ELF cup and guess what? Yep, my chaps did the business over the fellas from that bizarre little segment of Moldova. Here are the results then from the first day:

Gagauzia 0 v 2 Greenland
Kyrgyzstan 0 v 1 Zanzibar
Tibet 0 v 3 Tajikistan

Oh and the photo is the only picture I've managed to find of the Greenland national side.

Don't they look athletic?

Elf Cup update 2

Not so much an update as a countdown. As I write, the cup starts in 11 minutes! It starts at the same time as Birmingham play Wolves in a noon fixture here in the UK. It's all too much. Even the sun is shining brightly on this winter's day. It's a shame I'm working later (on a Saturday too) because I would love a glass of champagne to celebrate. Mind you, the first game isn't until Sunday but it couldn't be a more perfect first match. Yes, it's Gagauzia v Greenland.

Go for it you Polar Teddy Bears!

Podcasts and parking

OK, it's podcast number three tomorrow so you'd better get downloading / subscribing. It's also the start of the ELF cup as well. Oh yes - I know you share my excitement on that one. Mind you, I do think I've been a bit remiss with regards to me, myself, yours truly recently. What do I mean? Well, this is supposed to be a blog that includes the things that I am up to, as well as all the stuff going on in the world in general. So I'm going to ensure you get to hear more of the mundane segments of my life along with the more exciting, global stuff. Oh yes.

However, that can all wait because I'm tired and need to hit the sack. Oh, I nearly forgot - here's a mundane slice of my life, right now. I got stuck in the multi-storey car park for 20 minutes today. It was great. You have to drive up a big curved ramp to get to the car park barrier and when I arrived there today, a car was sitting there doing nothing (apart from having it's engine running and brake lights on). I instantly got annoyed because it only takes 7 nano-seconds to collect a ticket from the ticket machine, the barrier to raise and the car to get going. Well, it turned out that this women tried to pre-pay by credit card (which you can do) but the sodding machine swallowed her card.

After 5 minutes there were 7 cars all backed up the ramp behind me so escape was impossible. What did I do? Scream, shout, beep my horn, rev my engine, sacrifice a lamb? No. I turned the engine off, popped my iPod on and slipped into a chilled-music-induced coma for 15 perfect minutes.

My peace was shattered when a car park attendant (bit of a scrote) lumbered up and started bashing the ticket machine in a sort of Neanderthal-esque attempt to remove the woman's credit card. Well he got it sorted eventually and I finally managed to park my car. I was kind of hoping that the whole thing could have taken much longer and then I could have enjoyed the rest of my wonderfully soporific music, but my joy was cruelly cut short.

Ain't life a bitch?

ELF cup update 1

I just know I'm going to love the ELF cup. If you're new to YBATYD, see the posting from 7th November and you'll get the idea. Well, the hot news is that Afghanistan have been booted out of the cup just days before it's due to start! Apparently it's due to pressure from FIFA. Now as the ELF cup exists specifically because the teams involved, are not or cannot, be recognized by FIFA it begs the question - why have FIFA got involved? Maybe because they want to welcome war-torn, politically unstable Afghanistan into the FIFA bosom? Er ... perhaps not.

The super-exciting / hilarious result of the Afghan withdrawal is that an urgent replacement was obviously required. And where else do you turn when you need a top-notch footballing nation to fill a gap? You turn to the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' of course. Yes, I can hear you now - "What and where the bloody hell is the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' ?" Well, just a few minutes ago, I asked the same question. Apparently, 'Gagauzia' as it's known is an independent bit of Moldova. Moldova is nestled between Romania and Ukraine. Hope you're enjoying the geography lesson.

OK, so Gagauzia are in the tournament. Unfortunately, there is little info on their footballing achievements. The only thing I've found so far is that they may have a little chap playing for them called Vladimir Zhenunk. Bless him. He's a midfielder and that's about your lot as far as my Gagauzian footie knowledge goes. Please feel free to give me some more info!

One other thing before I finish. I've just checked out the details on the Tibetan national side. Their record defeat was 4-1 against, yes you guessed it, Greenland (God bless those Polar Teddy Bears) but their record win is noted as - none. Oh bless the little Tibetan fellas. They have never won a game. Oh how I wish I were able to go to the ELF cup. Or even watch it on the telly - courtesy of BRT, a Turkish satellite TV station.

Perhaps I'll have a word with Sky ...

Posting poorlyness

What a bizarre title for this posting. I apologise. I was trying to convey two points in one phrase. Clearly it hasn't worked. Oh well. Anyway, the 'posting' bit is a way of saying I'm sorry at the slightly less-than-regular postings this month. Can't really give a reason why but suffice to say that guilt is my constant companion as a result. I shall try and rectify this although I shall give you fair warning that things may well get worse on this front over the next 8 weeks or so as I shall be extremely busy at work. I trust you'll stick with me. OK, please stick with me!

The second bit of the title refers to me feeling a tad under the weather and before all the women reading this, collectively shout "Man flu!" - it bloody well isn't. I'm genuinely not feeling especially magical and even came home early from work today. So there. If you're reading this in some warm and sunny part of the world - I hate you. Well, not hate. That's a bit disingenuous. Perhaps I should just say that I wish I was there and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling so cack. Oh the joys of England in the winter. Mind you, it could be worse.

I could be in Greenland.

Homity pie recipe

Oh my God. This blog is turning into Delia Smith's 'How To Cook'. Personally, my cookery hero is Hugh Fearnely-Whittingstall. Anyone who can make a meal out of roadside weeds and bits of random woodland animal is alright by me. Even though I'm half-veggie. Anyway, due to popular (one request) demand, following on from my blog about the pub meal, I have decided to share my Homity pie recipe. I think it's chuffing gorgeous and it's dead easy to make, especially if you cheat and buy frozen shortcrust pastry. Excited? OK then. Here goes:

Ingredients:

Shortcrust Pastry 300g
Potatoes 350g
Onions 450g
Oil 3 tablespoons
Margarine 25g
Parsley, chopped 15g
Cheese, grated 100g
Garlic cloves 2 crushed
Milk 1 tablespoon
Salt & pepper to taste

• Roll out the pastry and use to line six 4” individual tins or foil dishes.

• Alternatively, use a single 8” dish.

• Boil or steam the potatoes until tender.

• Chop the onions, then sauté in the oil until really soft.

• Combine the potatoes and onions. Add the butter, parsley, half (50g) of the cheese, garlic, and milk. season well to taste.

• Really mix well. Break up (don’t mash) the potatoes. Allow to cool.

• Once cool – use the mixture to fill the pastry cases or dish.

• Sprinkle with the remaining cheese.

• Bake in the oven at 220°C (425°F) for 20 minutes, until golden.

• If baking in an 8” dish, bake for 25-30 minutes.

Makes 6 pies

Then shout "Who ate all the pies?" Then shout again "I did!"

Arrogance alert

I thought it was about time I 'bigged' myself up a bit. So today I'm going to tell you about something that I'm brilliant at. Anyone who knows me would probably agree. In fact, I know they would agree. So what is it that I can afford to be so arrogant about? What do I feel I am so good at? I shall tell you then, dear reader (that's a generic 'reader', not a singular version).

Accents.

I am great at doing accents. I once counted them all and it was over 50. I must say that I think I have a natural talent for impersonating voices. Not impersonating people, but rather the way they speak. It's a bit ironic really that I have such a good ear copying the way people speak because when it comes to singing I'm bloody abysmal. Not so much tone-deaf as tone-dead. I truly have an appalling ability to not follow the tune of any song. I had a singing lesson once. The bloke played a note on the piano which I was supposed to then sing. After several attempts, he told me to sing the note and he would try and copy it. He couldn't find a matching note. That's a true story and one which proves my point. I am to singing what Genghis Khan was to 13th century world peace or Tequila slammers are to incisive political debate. I can't sing.

So, good job then that I can do accents. I do international as well as regional accents. Being from England, I do many UK accents including all the ones that actors put on their CV's (resumes for our U.S chums) such as 'Cockney', 'Scouse' and 'Scottish'. Now if you are reading this from Scotland, that last one will annoy you. It will annoy you for the same reason as someone who says that they can do an 'American', 'English' or 'Irish' accent does. That's because countries do not have a single generic accent and as someone who actually lives in the UK, I should be able to do at least some regional variations.

So, I can do two or three Scottish accents including a fairly good Glaswegian. I can do a Southern Ireland (Eire) and Northern Ireland accent and in fact, can have a go at two N.I accents - (London)Derry and Belfast. Yes there is a difference! I can do north and south Wales pretty damn well. I was once working in a job where I had to pretend to be from an actual Welsh village called Ystradgynlais. I was chatting to some Welsh people (using my accent) and they asked where I was from. Now being all professional, I didn't want to say that I was from a town in England but they went on and on at me until I told them that I wasn't Welsh. They were gobsmaked but the best bit was when they said that they knew I wasn't from Ystradgynlais because I sounded like I was from Cwmtach. Cwmtach is about 2 miles from Ystradgynlais. It was then that I knew I was good.

My international accents are not too bad and include (without regional variations - yet) 'Australian', 'French', 'South African', 'Chinese', 'Italian', 'Russian' and others. For the USA I reckon I can do 'New York', 'Texas" and a sort of generic one which sometimes becomes a 'California' special.... Maybe I shall give you a taster on the next podcast which is due out this week. I know you're all waiting with baited breath. Er, possibly. Well that's enough being arrogant for one day and time to revert to my usual, modest self.

I'm brilliant at modesty.

Postings, pubs and pies

Ooh my posting is slipping again. Sorry about that. I've got no excuses. Anyway, as I've got your interest I just wanted to say that I've had some nice feedback about the podcast. Now I know it's not the best (yet) but I shall persevere and hopefully you'll be laughing. Or tittering. Or smirking - slightly.

Please let me know if you have any problems listening to the podcast, either on the podcast website or via iTunes. There is actually an old podcast feed on iTunes which I need to try and get deleted. the correct one has the (currently two) most up to date shows on and had a 5 star feedback on there too!

Well, time for some more wine. I'm still savouring the gorgeous salad dressing I knocked up earlier. God I'm a talented individual. In fact I must tell you my recipe for homity pie sometime. It's a classic, old English dish and one I'd never seen in a restaurant until Friday night when a load of us went to a renowned pub for a hearty meal. The food on offer was amazing and the setting is pure, old-fashioned English pub. And no, none of it is fake. It's a truly wonderful setting and still full of locals as well as the 'outsiders' who have come to sample the highly rated food. However, the most memorable thing for me was the appearance of homity pie on the menu. I was so chuffed, although I didn't order it in case it was better than my own version!

So thank you to the The Bear inn at Alderwasley in Derbyshire. It was worth the long journey to get there and any pub that serves food including wild boar and homity pie is alright by me.

Cheers.

Just a quickie!

I've just got in from work and I've had a long day. Got another long day tomorrow so I'm not going to do a lengthy post. Even 40 year old blokes need their beauty sleep. Actually, I need a lot of beauty sleep. Anyway, I met someone today who is tri-lingual. he speaks English, German and Spanish. Now I really admire people who can speak other languages.

I always remember being taught French in school. It was ridiculous because we spent weeks learning reflexive verbs and sub-congugated, pre-raphaelite nouns in French, when we didn't even know what the bloody hell they were in English. And don't even talk to me about learning German. It's a really tricky language to learn and, if I recall, has three tenses - masculine, feminine and neutral. I think. "Die deutsche Sprache ist einfach zu erlernen und eine Freude, zum zu sprechen". If you can translate that I shall buy you a beer. Possibly.

Anyway, enough rambling. And enough foreign languages. Hold on though - this is fun." 私は寢て疲れ、必要性である。明日私達はヤギの農場に行く"。Tranlsated from Chinese, that means "I am tired and need to go to sleep. Tomorrow we shall go to the goat farm". Ha! Just a couple more. I know you're enjoying this. How about "Mijn knieën zijn zwak wegens de hoge winden. Ik kan nu het strijken doen niet". That's Dutch for "My knees are weak because of the high winds. I cannot do the ironing now". And finally "Le signore nel villaggio sono impaurite dei fiori gialli. Dobbiamo utilizzare l'aerostato magico per fuoriuscire". In Italian it sounds enchanting but in English it sounds rather disturbing - "The ladies in the village are afraid of the yellow flowers. We must use the magic balloon to escape".

I think I should lie down. (Σκέφτομαι ότι πρέπει να ξαπλώσω - in Greek)

Come on Greenland!

I'm sure you're all aware of the imepending, major football tournament which is about to start. Yes of course you are. However, for those that don't know, between November 18th and 25th it's the world famous 'Elf Cup' which this year is taking place in North Cyprus. Amongst the galaxy of top international teams taking part are, Kyrgyzstan, Afghanistan, Zanzibar and of course, Greenland.

Now the Elf Cup is a new international footie tournament for those countries whose teams are not recognised by FIFA (the world governing body for football) and thus cannot compete in FIFA competitions such as the World Cup. Now although it's only new, it is a proper tournament although the bods who are organising it are looking for any sponsorship they can get. So of you fancy helping out, please visit the website by clicking on 'Come on Greenland' above.

So why am I supporting Greenland in this exciting tournament? Well, it just appeals to me for some reason. Maybe it's the thought of all those extremely hardy, weathered Greenlanders having to play football in the heat of Cyprus, or maybe it's because of my posting about 'Mallemaroking' which concerned fishermen on Greenland whaling ships (click on the 'Greenland' tag below this posting) or perhaps it's just because Greenland seems the most unlikely footballing nation of the lot.

Either way, I shall be supporting "The Polar Teddy Bears" - yes that really is their official nickname - all the way. And I will be keeping you, dear reader, up to date with their progress. I'm sure you're collective buttocks are trembling in anticipation. About the football. Obviously.

I have discovered an amazing fact too. You know that I am a Birmingham City fan? Well a year or two ago we had this bloke playing for us called Jesper Grønkjær whom we signed from Chelsea. Well I'll be jiggered. He is a Greenlander! I know, I was amazed too. Sadly though, Jesper has not, does not and never will play for his native country. As Greenland is officially part of Denmark and Denmark is recognized by FIFA, it's Denmark that benefits and not Greenland.

At least they've got whaling. Er ...

So tired

I must be getting old. Oh, I am. I feel so tired after working over the weekend and am struggling to wake up this morning. Never mind, I've got work later so that should do the trick. Yay.

When you're tired, everything seems a real effort so you can imagine my dismay when I just remembered that Christmas is on the way. This of course means present-buying and card-sending which are two things I absolutely detest. What's worse, I know so many people who have already started the whole process and I've heard of two people who have finished (I'll say that again) finished their Christmas shopping already. What? Do these people have their own graves dug - ready and waiting as well?

So the thought of the impending festive trauma is making me feel even more tired now. Therefore I propose to eat some late breakfast and then watch telly whilst returning to a semi-comotose state before I have to do the work thing again.

Wow. Life's a ball ain't it?

Podcast at last!

It's here! The YBATYD Podcast has landed. Actually, it arrived two weeks ago and those eagle-eyed readers amongst you may have seen the subtle little link to the podcast site at the top right of this page.

Episode 1, however, is really just a pilot show with no real content. Mind you it's worth a listen. Episode 2 is far better. It's even got a proper structure to it and everything! Now the YBATYD Podcast will be broadcast every two weeks (or as near as I can muster) and will be in two parts.

Part one will be a review and update of all the recent postings from this 'ere blog. Part two will be an exciting look at some of the amusing, weird and bizarre stories from the web as well as any strange websites I think you may be interested in. You lucky people.

Now there are a couple of ways to listen to the YBATYD Podcast. Either way, you firstly need to click the podcast link on this page. This will take you to the YBATYD Podcast website. From here you can either choose to listen to any of the shows directly from the site or you can click on the Subscribe button which will then subscribe you to the show via iTunes. How chuffing marvellous is that?

There really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Plagiarism!

OK, alright, just leave it will you? Look, blogging ain't easy. You have to think of someting to write nearly every day and in my case I have to try and make it amusing too. So I'm under more pressure than a bloke with his finger stuck in a hole in the Hoover Dam. So sometimes, just sometimes I have to resort to a bit of plagiarism (the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work) in order to deliver to my readers. Although, as I'm admitting my cheating it's technically not plagiarism. Just borrowing. Sort of.

Anyway, a dear chum of mine (who used to have a chiselled jaw but it's filled out a bit now) sent me a rather amusing email. Now I truly, hardly ever forward on emails (especially the ones that have already been forwarded 87 times and every single person who's sent it onwards has left all the addresses and other crap on from the previous sender and the one before and ... and ...) so I've only borrowed this because I reckon it's both amusing and witty - unlike all my posts thus far.

So, without further ado, here it is:

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Next time - Original content! Subject to creative ability.

Ghostly thoughts

As it's Hallowe'en (note the pedantic, correct spelling), I've been thinking about spooky things, witches, ghosts, monsters and ghoulies (not goolies - that's someting else entirely). So, apparitions and poltergeists are things that we all think may be there but we never see. Something else which I know is there but never see are comments from my dear readers. That's you.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful that a few misguided souls out there actually peruse my little literary oasis, sitting here quietly on the interwebnet. I'm also eternally grateful to those of you who do pop your thoughts in the old Comments box and share them with the rest of us - especially my super comment-er who so kindly gives regular feedback on my inane ramblings. I'd just love to hear thoughts from the rest of you from time to time. Really, I would. Really.

It's really easy to do. You just click on the word 'Comments' which is below each posting. In the box that opens just scroll to the space where you type in what you want to say, complete the word verification section and then choose 'anonymous' or 'other' (unless you are a fellow Blogger) as your identity and click "Publish your comment'. You're done. Easy. Then I can put your feedback on the site and your valued input will be there for the world to see. Ain't that just swell?

Failing that - just send cash to my PayPal account.

Good ol' global warming

Now I know the imminent demise of our fair planet is both extremely serious and wholly depressing but surely 'every cloud has a silver lining'? Take yesterday for example (see the photo). It was the 29th of October, in England and it was 64 degrees. Not only that, the air was still and the sky was blue. Warm sun blazed down on the river and the canal as dozens of people enjoyed a beautiful summer-like stroll.

Of course the downside of this idyllic scene is that it is being generated (so some scientists say) by the burning of fossil fuels, CFC's, carbon emissions and all the other fun activities we humans have been getting up to in the last couple of centuries. I suppose we should have known that all this naughty behaviour would eventually cause a cataclysmic environmental disaster but to be honest, who cared? The only people who ever used to get upset about this sort of thing were baggy jumper-wearing, tent-dwelling, humungously-bearded activists. Some of them were men too. Well, it appears that this little Earth of ours is becoming distinctly unwell and unfortunately there is no planetary health scheme which can help repair it.

As it all seems so hopeless and depressing, I reckon we might as well enjoy the benefits of a global warming. So if that means a warm autumnal walk, a blistering summer's day at the beach or an exciting local flash flood then I think we should just go with the flow / deluge. Now maybe that all sounds a bit dismissive and lacking in any genuine concern for the environment. However, aside from doing my bit - recycling household waste, switching off lights and turning down the central heating - what else can I do that the industries and governments of the world cannot?
I do what I can and after that? Sod it. Slap on the suntan lotion and catch some rays is what I say. I mean, you're born and then you die so you may as well enjoy the bit in the middle.

Even if it means burning like a spit-roasted pig. Vegetarian option available

Oh yeah

Life is good. My neck is feeling better; Birmingham won again; my car is nearly paid for and I've got a whole weekend off. Now you may say that I'm easily pleased and you'd be right. Mind you, I've just had the best part of a whole bottle of classy white wine and I'm listening to iTunes as I type. So, yes, things are pretty good. You want details? No? Well here they are anyway.

Due to the advice from my doctor, sitting bolt upright at work and in my car; doing neck exercises and sleeping with just one (god, that's difficult) pillow have all helped to make me feel ever so slightly human again.

Birmingham (City FC) won again today against local rivals West Brom. In the past few weeks things have been a bit todge for the Blues and there were even rumblings about the boss (Steve Bruce) possibly getting the elbow. However, a trio of victories have changed all that and we are now equal fifth in the league and still in the League Cup.

And yes, after five long years, I make my final payment on my car in mid-November. I shall be several quid better off each month which fills me with considerable joy and self-satisfaction. So what shall I spend my extra cash on? Answers on an email to 'bornthendie@mac.com'.

So, I'm feeling pretty chuffed with myself at the moment which means that something terrible is bound to happen, such as one of my limbs developing deep-vein thrombosis during the night or tribe of murderous, psychopathic Slovakian commis chefs invading the back garden and setting up an open air-cookery school for foreign dissidents. That would be just typical.
I feel, therefore, that I must make the most of things while the going is good and take a few risks.

I'm going to eat the 19 day-old cauliflower that's festering in the fridge.

Pain in the neck - part II

I posted previously about my manky neck. Well you'll be delighted to know that it's still there. The pain, not my neck. Although, of course, my neck is still there. Anyway, I finally went to the doc's yesterday and was told that I have a "chronic neck injury". Oh joy. It's all to do with the fibrous muscles which are connected to my spine being in spasm, pretty much constantly. More joy. It looks like I've developed this delightful affliction over a sustained period and that it's caused by things like being on the computer; the way I've been sitting and possibly just generally giving the left side of my neck some grief.

And the cure? Don't sit wrong, lie wrong or use the computer mouse wrong. I also have to do neck exercises that make me look like a simpleton. Added to this I need to have my chair at work and my car seat, bolt upright. I look like a right old duffer as I'm driving along with my head touching the roof of the car and then twisting my whole body round when I need to look right. I've seen people tittering.

It's doing my head in. Sometimes the pain in my neck is bad enough to make wish for a distraction. I've even considered dropping a couple of live lobsters down my trousers or gargling a cup of Windowlene for a bit of light relief. Oh well, I'm sure things will be back to normal soon enough.

Yes. I am brave aren't I?

Past the 100!

Hello and welcome to posting 101. Well, I'm obviously extremely proud to be here on this momentous occasion. Of course, I'd like to thank my parents, my wife, my family, my lawyer, my chiropractor, my cat, my high school geology teacher, my cholonic-irrigantionist, my friends & colleagues and finally, my old neighbour - Pat (for not letting on about my little incident with badger and the morphine) for all their love and support ... sorry, I'm a little emotional .... I just want this to be a reminder to everyone about all the suffering there is in the world. It's time we stopped global-warming and people-trafficking. We need to fight oppression and torture which is so rampant in so many corrupt regimes. We must stand against the onslaught of worldwide consumerism. And we must fight those who serve 'brown' sauce instead of proper HP Sauce in roadside cafes.

So, thank you to all / both my loyal readers. I never thought I'd keep going with YBATYD but, after a few wobbly bits (that's not a literal 'wobbly') I've hopefully managed to provide the odd nano-second of joy to a few precious souls. I intend to continue with my scholarly ramblings for as long as I'm mentally able. So that's the next 4 months guaranteed then.

Please keep enjoying the blog and please keep commenting or emailing me. I just love a bit of typographical banter you know. Oh and if anyone wants to send me money / precious metals / tinned fish, I shall accept them all graciously. So then, YBATYD continues and who knows, maybe one day it will be recognised for the literary genius I know it is.

Now where did I put my anti-dementia pills?

'Nice'-land?

A colleague of mine at work popped over to Iceland last week for a short break. Before the jokes start, no, he didn't visit the discount, frozen food emporium. He went to the actual country (103,000 sq km /39,769 sq miles; population: 294,000; capital: Reykjavik; major language: Icelandic; main exports: fish and fish products, metals) to experience everything it has to offer. Here then is a summary of events and facts from his trip:

A pint of beer costs £8.00 (That's $15)
He was the only guest at the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss
He hired a 4x4 car but stoved it into a snow drift. He escaped after removing "something from underneath the car"
At a restaurant in Akureyri there was horse meat and whale meat on offer
It was windy. Very windy. Average wind speed was 23 metres a second (60-70 mph)
At the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss they serve meals to the workers at the nearby hydro-electric plant. On Fridays', as part of the set menu, they offer sheeps' heads. Click on the photo

So that I and my other colleagues may enjoy a flavour of Iceland, he bought us back a special culinary treat. Dried fish flakes. Here are several words that describe them: abominable, awful, beastly, detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, loathsome, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, rank, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, satiating, stinking, surfeiting, and vile.

Still, better than a bloody sheep's head. Even with gravy.

Sunday wedding

Just got back from a wedding reception. Yeah, I know, on a Sunday. Therefore, I'm going to be a tad tired tomorrow ('cos I'm a lightweight). However, the folks at the 'do' didn't let us down. There were the obligatory drunk dads 'dancing' to Bohemian Rhapsody and Tainted Love along with an assortment of small children, charging around in a variety of junior dinner jackets and small-person, satin bridesmaid dresses.

The buffet was spot on and even featured a blast from the past in the form of cheese and pineapple on cocktails sticks. A classic. The bride looked radiant and the groom looked hammered but extremely pleased with himself. I think they're off to Prague for the honeymoon.

All in all, a really nice evening and a chance to make an effort in the personal presentation department - I had a shower and a shave. I hope they have a long and happy marriage together.

Well, long anyway!

Podcast ... possibly?

How much drivel can you stand? If it's not bad enough reading the pages of tripe that I churn out on this 'ere blog, I'm considering a YBATYD podcast. I actually did a couple of trial podcasts a while ago but having just taken delivery of iLife 06 for my Mac, I can now produce something decent. Er, I hope.

Now the thing is, a)who would want to hear it? b)will it have enough content? c)can I be arsed? I reckon I'd have to rely on plenty of humorous stories and info from t'internet alongside my own creative genius. Ooops - modesty alert. Well, I'm working on some bits 'n' bobs right now, so if things work out then I may well give it a go. Of course the YBATYD blog will continue whatever happens, so don't go chucking yourselves of bridges/tall buildings/coffee tables just yet. Crikey - I do like putting pressure on myself don't I?

It's not easy being a hero.

Crashed rozzer car

Well, I couldn't think of anything interesting to write today, so I cheated. So here's a bit of footage I caught on my mobile phone last year.

What a different world it would be

When I wake up at 5.14am and can't get back to sleep, my mind doesn't half become active. Possibly because at that time of the morning I am still clinically deceased and therefore not quite 'with it'. Anyway, my brain never ceases to amaze and intrigue me so it was no surprise to me when I had the following thought - 'what a different world it would be if cars had never been invented'. Specifically, if the internal combustion engine had never been invented.

The trick with this one is to imagine a world bereft of all vehicles. No cars, buses, lorries or motorbikes. Instead - horses and carts. However, the rest of the world is just the same. So there are computers, satellite telly, Bush & Blair, Marmite, mobile phones, edible underwear and double-glazing salesmen. So everything is exactly as you see it right now dear reader, except that the roads are full of horses and carts. This takes some thinking about, so here are a few things that popped into my head as I cogitated this morning:

Car tax would become Cart tax. Cart tax would pay for clearance of horse poo
Lorries would become extra large carts pulled by teams of Shire horses
Carts would be made by existing companies like Ford, Toyota, Land Rover and Ferrari
You'd still have to pass a driving test, including a three-point turn with a horse
Petrol stations would instead be Hay depots with different grades and prices of hay
Traffic lights, roundabouts and motorways would still exist
The speed limit in towns would be 6 mph and 12 mph on motorways
Like cars, carts/carriages would have SatNav, CD players, headlights and air con
Drive-Thru MacDonalds'would still exist but would be re-named Trot-Thru's
Youths would still go joyriding, albeit at about 13 mph
Both horses and carts would require a yearly MOT
Kwik-Fit would replace cart wheels along with horseshoes
Some people would still add spoilers and go-faster stripes to their carts

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the world like this? I'm just imagining the large Argos cart pulling up outside my house to deliver the new fridge freezer. Or a couple of boy racers at the traffic lights, just waiting to race each other with their respective second-hand carts. Just think what the M25 would look like at 'rush' hour or your local NCP car park. Fabulous!

I could go on, but I've got to feed Dobbin before I go to Tesco's.

Oh go on!

One Day in History is a project aiming to create an online archive of a day in the life of the UK. The BBC website says "The National Trust is encouraging people to record a diary of their day on a website, as part of what is being called 'Britain's biggest blog'. The blogs will then be stored by the British Library and at other locations".

So basically, it's your chance to leave your mark on history. Your 15 minutes of fame if you like. I've done mine and to be honest, it felt quite nice to be contributing to a fairly momentous event. So I think it's a great opportunity for everyone to have their say and let the world know what dull lives we all lead. So just click the title of this posting and it'll take you straight to the site.

Go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on ... (etc to fade)

USPAS comment killer

Doh! I made a boo-boo. There's me banging on about how easy it is now to leave me a comment and then I go and make a schoolboy error. So, I get a fabulous bit of creative literature (USPAS - needs explaining) from a generous correspondent and what do I do? I publish it then I delete it! My God, it's a good job I'm not in charge of a nuclear missile base - "So red is 'launch missile' and green is the dinner bell - er, I've got that the wrong way round haven't I?" Thus instead of bangers and mash for everyone at the base, it would be global, thermonuclear war and the annihilation of the human race for ever.

OK, it's only someone's comment - but it's important. Now, if the person concerned can send that little comment to me again I can re-publish it. Believe me, I tried to get it back but like an otter in a flood - it just wouldn't return. If you've forgotten what you wrote then email me at 'bornthendie@mac.com' and I'll email you back with your comment and then you can post it on here again and then everyone can read and then I'll be happy and you'll be happy and then there will be world peace and everyone will be happy.

Happy now?