Out of iTune?

Now I'm about as big an Apple fan as you can get. Sad, but so very true. I have an iMac, various iPod's including an iPod touch; an Apple TV an iPad and an un-nerving appreciation of black, turtle-neck sweaters. I love all that Apple is - how the products function, how the applications interact, how it all works so beautifully in the way I want and even the gorgeous, eye-wateringly beautiful designs.

However, I downloaded iTunes 10 the other day.

I was staggered. I've never seen anything from Apple that is so utterly devoid of beauty and sex appeal. This is aside from the many aspects of iTunes 10's functionality which seem to have been removed. It's grey (or gray if you insist). Very grey. Very, very grey. In fact, it is greyer than an elephant lying in concrete. All the buttons are grey. The lists are grey. All the headings and titles are grey. When you click on anything - it stays grey.

It's grey.

It is devoid of any colour. And I hate it. But it's OK because many, many other people hate it too. Now I'm all for sleek, modern design. Apple's renowned for its minimalistic, artistry when it comes to the creation of their products and applications. But this, this is like a pencil drawing. It has about as much visual appeal as Celine Dion, naked, astride a Velociraptor ... in gravy. Wait - that has too much colour in it.

Suffice to say - using iTunes 10 is a depressing, joy-sapping experience. A bit like biting your own toenails after running a marathon. So why have Apple done this to us? What are they trying to prove? Should I stand accused of 'monochromophobia'? Well if I am, then I plead guilty as charged.

I hate it. So there you have it - in black and white. Not grey.

So iTouching

Oh what can I say? I am now one of those most terrible of things. An occasional blogger. Gone are the days of a posting every two days. I can only hope and pray ... well not exactly pray because I am an atheist, but anyway, I just hope I can return to form and start writing my own, unique brand of drivel a little more frequently. Enough of this. On to the subject of the post:

I am now the very proud owner of an iPod Touch. If you don't know what one is, then imagine an iPhone without the phone. OK, if you don't know what an iPhone is I give up. So, my 'Touch' is amazing and gorgeous and clever and, and ... well, just a bit special. When I've shown it to friends, family and colleagues they have (almost) all been truly impressed or even amazed at the almost magical way in which it works. The fact you have a flat glass screen with no buttons on creates an surreal experience when you start surfing the internet, flicking through your album collection, watching movies or sending emails.

If you get a chance to play with one or an iPhone, you'll certainly understand what I'm getting so hot and bothered about. Mind you, one or two people just didn't seem to appreciate the shiny technological marvel as much as me. Even demonstrating how you can zoom into a photo by 'pinching' your fingers across the glass, merely elicited a "hmmm" from one person. Obviously they are mentally deficient or have the IQ of a church. Never mind. These people where very much in the minority. Thank God ... if He does actually exist.

Since getting my new iPod last Saturday I have realised that I am trapped in a never-ending cycle of techno-lust. And I like it. True, it is one of the more expensive hobbies out there but for sheer, unadulterated pleasure involving shiny objects that need batteries (and I'm not talking about sex toys), you can't beat gadgets. They may have no soul or feelings but they spread joy, like a kind of happy wifi.

And I'm SO logged on to that.

Ups and downs

We all have our ups and downs and despite being a blogging legend, I too can feel the force of life's highs and lows. Winter doesn't help. Especially the miserable sodding affair that is the British winter. Rain, rain and more rain. It's enough to depress Mr Happy Hap McHappy from Happytown in Happyshire.

Nonetheless, us Brits are used to cack weather and so find ways and means of distracting ourselves during the long, dark winter months. One of these ways is to talk about the weather. Whilst meteorology is a fascinating subject, you can have too much of it, particularly when you've been getting soaked, blown and frozen by it for weeks on end. So I don't talk about the weather much between November and March.

Instead I prefer to revel in the joys of films, my Xbox 360, football, my iMac, food, shiny electrical objects of desire and my wife. Obviously this list is written in reverse order. So when confronted by a really crappy winter's day, I cheer myself with an hour or two of high definition machine-gunning and grenade-lobbing, followed by a joyous time in the kitchen, preparing my latest tuna-based culinary delight and topped off with a cracking film starring Sandra Bullock or that woman out of that film with the hair and eyes.

Suffice to say I have plenty of ammo in happy-happy-joy-joy arsenal to keep the winter blues at bay. However, talking of 'blues' - Birmingham lost today which has put me in a foul mood so I'm going to bed.

Winter my arse.

Naughty pussy

Apple yesterday launched its new operating system (OS X 10.5) Leopard. Now don't worry, I'm not going to prattle on about all things Mac but I I just want it put on record that I'm quite excited.

I love shiny, techie, gadgety things. So I will love Leopard. However, out of all the things that people have written about concerning Apple's latest OS - Spaces, Time Machine, Stacks, Core Animation etc, the best thing I've seen is pictured above.

Some chap was poking around his Leopard (so to speak)and this is what he said: "I am running Leopard and in the Finder sidebar under 'shared' I noticed there were different pictures for Macs and PCs on the network. The Macs look like the new iMac but by the pc it is a crappy looking monitor displaying the 'blue screen of death'! Thought I would point this out. Apple is funny… "

Isn't it great that with all this super-advanced technology and incredible complexity, the art of good old fashioned piss-taking is not lost? Nice one Mr Jobs. Your cat is well trained.

Meow...

Alt Gr joy

I have to use a PC at work. I always hanker after my lovely iMac when I'm away from home because I just prefer Mac's to PC's. I know that Macs will always do the things I want in a way that makes me smile.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered something completely by accident today. Something I cannot do on my Mac. It was near the end of the working day and I was gazing at my beige keyboard - as you do. My eyes landed on a key that I'd never really noticed and certainly never, ever used. It was the 'Alt Gr' key.

I asked my esteemed colleague, if she had any idea what the bloody hell this key was for. She thought for about 11 nano-seconds and then said "no". So I pressed it. Nothing. Then I pressed it and held it down whilst a bashed numerous other keys. Nada. So then I held it down again and using my fist, pressed about 13 keys at once.

The screen went black. "Ooops" I thought. And then, "oh shit". The screen was upside down. And the mouse controls were reversed too. My colleague fair pee'd herself laughing. Frantically, I re-booted. It came back - upside down. The whole thing. Everything had gone anitipodean. I was laughing too, but it was that slightly nervous, how-do-I-explain-this-to-IT sort of laugh.

I held down the 'Alt Gr' key once more and tried to think rationally. I surmised that 'Alt Gr' probably stood for 'alternate gravity' - obviously. This made sense to me because the screen was upside down and that was sort of what would happen if gravity was reversed right? OK, I was thinking like a complete tit, but it was all I had. Anyway, I guessed that if I was holding the 'alternate gravity' key down, then the best key to press along with it (to restore gravity, as it were) would be the 'down arrow' key. I pressed it.

The screen went black and then ... bingo! The screen was back to normal with the top bit at the top and the bottom bit at ... well you get the idea. I was overjoyed. I pressed the 'Alt Gr' key again and this time combined it with the 'left arrow' key. The screen flipped onto its side! What joy.

I had discovered a fantastic way to bugger up your work colleagues/friends/family's PC's that would leave them stressed, confused and wanting to cry. Now obviously I am not endorsing playing such a cruel practical joke on people.

But now you know how to do it ...

Gadget fatigue

I am a big gadget fan. Well, being male I'm pre-disposed towards shiny things that make noises as it is but it goes much further than that. I adore technology but even I start to wilt under the immense pressure imposed on us all by the constant tide of new, 'improved' or 'revolutionary' products.

Don't get me wrong. If I had the cash I could spend hundreds or even thousands of pounds a month on products like plasma telly's, computers, iPods, games consoles, mobile phones and bluetooth underpants. It's just that the companies who make all this stuff have got us over a barrel. They constantly tweak and develop their goodies in such a way that the phone (for eaxample) we bought 2 months ago quickly becomes the 'old' model because the 'new' one has a number of slightly better features which suddenly make your recent purchase seem ever so slightly adequate and even inferior.

Now most people can cope with this sudden obsolescence of their new toy. However, even the least materialistic of us eventually come to realise that their phone (or whatever)is truly out of date, unstylish and lacking in so many ways compared to every other phone out there. Thus the only option is to go out and buy a new one.

Years ago, when you bought a product like a telly or a CD player, you were pretty safe in the knowledge that for the forseeable future, you would be the proud owner of something that was not only up to date but did everything you wanted and needed it to do. Now however, the manufacturers update things so speedily, you hardly have time to enjoy your phone/computer/telly/ etc before realising you own an historic relic.

And there's my dilemma. I hate being dictated to by bloody manufacturers and salespeople but I adore new technology and shiny things that make nosies. So Apple's latest update to their iPod lineup doesn't help. I don't need a touchscreen, widescreen iPod with WiFi ... but I want one. I can't afford the £199 or £269 they're asking either ... but I want one. So what do I do? Well ...

I wait for a few days or weeks until something else shiny, new and that makes noises, gets announced by Apple or Hitachi or Nokia or Fisher Price and start drooling over that instead. And so it goes on. A cycle of drooling, waiting and drooling again until I can afford to buy something. But then what? I daren't buy something because I know that a new, improved, fuller-featured, faster, brigher, more powerful, greener, revolutionary version will be out soon. Aaaargh!

So maybe I, like so many of us, find ourselves trapped in this vicious cycle, created entirely by those who want to sell us things we don't really need. Even my mum who is in her seventies succumbed to this retail treadmill a while ago when she found that her existing phone just wasn't as bright and shiny as the newer ones. She held out for two years, which in technology terms is like the length of the Jurassic era, but the pressure finally told and she conceded defeat. She bought a new one.

So what is the answer to this never-ending story of consumerism? Easy. Go outside, take a deep breath, stretch your arms and legs and go for a walk - in the real world with real people. It costs nothing, is always bang up to date and you get to make all the decisions.

Try it, it's fun.

Oh go on then

Oh I knew it would happen. I just couldn't let YBATYD die could I? Especially as I've been asked by loads (well a few) of my loyal former readers to get back on the net and let rip ... typographically speaking.

So, here I am and You're Born and Then You Die (YBATYD) is back on the block. I intend to carry on in the same vein as previously with one difference - swearing. Now I'm not going to dumb down to the lowest, basest style of writing - like The Sun, but I've decided that a teeny bit more 'adult' language is, where necessary, entirely acceptable.

If you, dear reader peruse through any or all of my old posts, you'll find no sweary-business at all, which is just fine. However, sometimes, just sometimes, the addition of the word 'bollocks' for example can lift a boring sentence to new, humorous heights. Indeed, the word 'bollocks' itself provides several funny alternatives: 'tats', knackers, love-spuds and the Franglais version - 'tats d'amour'

So, in my first posting of the reborn YBATYD I shall use my new-found freedom to tell you that my new iMac (pictured) is the dog's bollocks. I bought it a couple of weeks ago and although my old iMac was bob-on, this one just makes me a little damp with joy. Furthermore, it's even caused stirrings in my loins which may, just may lead to the resurrection of the YBATYD podcast which ran for about 4 glorious episodes before sinking like Derby did today at Liverpool (6-0).

So, things are a changin' and you are welcome to come along for the ride. And if you are new to YBATYD, then "welcome" and feel free to invite your friends, family, colleagues and carers to pop in every few days for a bit of light reading.

And swearing

Football fever

I always promise not to talk about football and I have to say - I'm pretty good at sticking to that promise. So I have no qualms about giving you some footie news today because it's really important. Well to me anyway.

My team - Birmingham City - could be promoted back to the Premiership this weekend. Oh yes. However, being Birmingham, we'll probably be lucky to escape relegation. Jesting aside and for those of you who actually care (that'll be just me then), if Derby lose at Crystal Palace tomorrow and we win at home against Sheffield Wednesday today and if it snows more than 7cm on the high street in Nuuk, the capital of Greenland - then we WILL be promoted.

Exciting isn't it? No? OK well in other news: On Thursday I found myself standing next to a bloke at a cash machine who was holding a full-size Scooby Doo costume, the other night. On Tuesday my wife and I sat in an Apple store watching a demonstration of Garageband which was being given by a member of staff. This was especially amusing as we were the only two people watching (they brought out seats for us) and it was our wedding anniversary. I know how to show a lady a good time. Mind you we did have a posh meal out that night so I'm not a total gonk.

And finally today - my car has it's MOT. A sense of dread and foreboding is sitting in my lower regions as I write because I am confident that it's going to be an expensive day. I haven't had anything major go wrong with mons petit voiture since I bought it and I've just got a feeling that today will be payback time. I shall let you know the outcome.

I still have a bicycle in the garage.

Where in the world ... ?

... PC World. Well, that's what the ad on the telly says anyway. I popped in to my local PC World this fine, sunny morning, as I needed a new firewire cable. Having checked on the Tinterweb, I knew that, obviously, I could get one cheaper online than I could in the shops. However, convenience and instant-ness (what?) are always worth paying a few extra pennies for.

Unfortunately, the price difference was a tad more than even I was prepared to pay. Online, the cable cost £9 which included delivery. PC World were asking slightly more for the same cable. They wanted £21. Yes, that's £12 extra. Bugger that. I was mildly miffed at this but my mood improved considerably as I was leaving the store. Being Sunday morning, I assumed it would be fairly quiet in the shop, especially as it had only been open for 8 minutes. I was wrong. The service and repairs counter already had a large queue of disgruntled-looking punters, clutching various bits of computer in their impatient little hands. I couldn't help but smirk (oh, and take this photo) as I thought that maybe if they'd perhaps bought a computer from another company (er, can't think which one ...) then maybe they'd be relaxing at home on a Sunday morning, surfing the Net, sending emails or listening to some nice, downloaded music. Hmmm.

Talking of 'where in the world', on Saturday, my wife and I popped down to Herefordshire for a family 'do'. Fine. Nice, easy 2.5 hour drive down to the place and enjoy the day. One slight problem. We entered the UK's Bermuda Triangle. In short, from arriving at what turned out to be 3 miles from our destination, to actually getting there, took longer than the 135 mile trip from our bloody house. At the end of one road there was a signpost to the village we were looking for. We drove down it. When we got to the end of the road, there was another signpost for the village ... pointing back the way we'd just come. This road was about 2 miles long and either side were fields. And a cow. No village.

After several mental breakdowns, failed mobile phone calls (no signal), asking directions from some ramblers and a man who was making a hedge, following some other relatives until their car broke down and my wife having to 'tootie-down' in a field to have an emergency wee, our fuel-starved car finally pulled up at the venue. We felt like Sir Edmund Hilary and sherpa Tenzing reaching the summit of Everest. Mind you, they didn't have pints of lager and a 13 foot table laden with buffet gorgeousness to bring them back from the brink of death.

World-weary explorers love an onion bhaji and a pint of Carling.

Apple takes a bite

Yes I know you know. You know that I love my iMac. Now I don't want to get all computery (if that's not a word then it should be) on you but as you may or may not aware, there is a long history of rivalry, even naked aggression between PC users and Mac users. Personally I think people should just use which ever one they like (there's Linux too but that's just getting anal) and be happy with it.

However, Mac's are better.

No, sorry about that. There I go again. To be objective here, I use a Mac at home and a PC at work. For me, it's just a personal preference. I enjoy using my Mac and I don't especially enjoy PC's. And yes, I have run a PC at home for a few years in between Mac usage. I have a very dear friend of mine who got me all sorted (he built me one)with a PC and I was very grateful. It's just that ... I missed using a Mac and so, and I sort of 'retired' my PC to the loft two years ago where it still resides between the Xmas decorations and a box of photos. Sorry mate.

Anyway, the video here is the latest in Apple's Get A Mac campaign thing. I'm not going into all the PC v Mac bickering nonsense but I just had to put this ad up 'cos it really made me laugh. Whether or not it's fact or fiction, it definitely tickled my funnybone. Click on the title of this posting to go to the Apple ads directly. I hope you enjoy it for just being funny and not because it takes the urine out of Windows Vista.

Vista is funny though.

Poor posting

I apologise dear readers. I have been decidedly remiss in my postings recently. The main reason is that the super-busy 8 week period at work has just come to an end and so I'm still a little 'all over the place'. I'm truly sorry about that. Really.

So, my postings will now get back to their slightly more regular selves - even if I only have the usual, dull tripe to offer you. At least there'll be something for you to read while you dry you hair, re-wire that plug or remove some old toe jam from your feet.

Well, the big news today is that I'm sending something back. To explain, the hard drive on my luverly iMac is getting a teensy bit full. So a few weeks ago I started researching external hard drives. I told you, you'd be getting the same old tripe didn't I? Anyway, after much investigation, I found the one I wanted - a Western Digital 'My Book Pro' 500gb firewire/USB hard drive (see pic). It was a very reasonable £149 so I purchased the beast.

To cut a long story short, it was cack. It was cack because it didn't work. When I managed to get it to sort of work, it nearly killed my computer. Added to that, when I registered it online, I was informed that my warranty wouldn't be valid! I was not pleased. Honestly, at one point my iMac sounded like it was about to explode. I was so alarmed I nearly had a trouser movement (a bad one - round the back) until I unplugged the 'My Book' which clearly saved my iMac's life. Poor bugger.

Thus, it's about to be winging it's way back to whence it came. I've already got my replacement waiting in the wings (I'll make sure I get the first one refunded before I buy the next one) and just hope things work out better the second time around. I don't want another bad trouser movement experience.

The stitching just can't take the strain.

Happy iPod

I have had a problem with my iPod. I was getting the dreaded 'Error 48' which basically means that you cannot update your iPod from iTunes. Not only that, but all the album artwork gets jumbled up, photos won't display and ... and ...

Well anyway, I rang the friendly Apple technical support chaps and they fixed it for me. If anyone's actually interested, the solution is a temporary workaround until they issue some updated firmware for the iPod. Hooray.

So now my iPod is a happy gadget again and I am a happy chappie again. When my gadgets become poorly I get really hassled. Like I did when my iMac was unwell a while ago and like I did when my Xbox 360 felt unwell a few months back. So as you can see, my personal happiness is directly related to the well-being of just about any electronic, inanimate items that I own. Is that weird?

Oh who cares? I'm going to give my telly a cuddle.

myTunes

I love iTunes. I currently have (as well as some video, numerous podcasts, a few games and audiobooks) 1,849 songs on my iMac. Apparently, that means I could play a different tune for 5 days, 10 hours, 13 minutes and 40 seconds. That many songs equates to 7.81 gigabytes which is pretty good, especially when my iPod can take another 22 gig's worth of songs before it's full.

Now there's one main reason I love iTunes. It's not the fact that I can now have instant access to my entire music library at any time. Neither is it the fact that I can add songs really quickly and easily whenever I want. No, the reason I really love iTunes is because it's opened my eyes to music I had either never heard, never enjoyed or forgotten about. I still have times when I'm listening to my iPod and song comes on that I've never heard before. Not only that, but because I'm listening to it on my super, noise-cancelling earphones the whole experience becomes more immersive and involving. I have discovered loads of songs that I'd never really listened to before and now find that they are among my favourites. Now that is pretty amazing.

Now I'm not going to be all pro-Apple here. Whichever music player and music system you use, the experience will be pretty much the same. Years ago, I had a Sony Walkman and listened to cassette tapes as I lay in the garden. Yet, almost no-one used these wonderful, but bulky, low audio-quality bits of kit on a daily basis. When the portable CD players came out, they became fairly popular but again, they were bulky. Also, you had to carry around dozens of spare CD's unless you really wanted to hear the same album over and over again. And boy, did they skip if you did anything like walking fast or, dare I say it, dance around a bit.

After the portable CD players had achieved moderate success, we saw the arrival of Minidisc players. I actually have an old Sony model. The sound quality was really good, so an improvement over the cassettes and on a par with the CD's. Where it scored over the CD players was that you could fit multiple albums onto one disc. I managed 5 albums on a disc, although the more music you added, the lower the quality as all the information had to be squeezed more tightly to fit onto the disc. Minidisc never really took off and I only ever bought one 'proper' minidisc album. Thanks Moby. After that, there was a long gap until MP3 players hit the streets and things really heated up when Apple launched the iPod in October 2001. I think we know what happened next.

When I got my iPod for my 40th birthday it was like being a child again. I was so excited and amazed at this revolution in music that appeared when I opened the box. And now I can't imagine not having a portable music player in my possession. I can't imagine not having 1849 songs on my computer. So what's going to happen when the next generation of music format arrives? Perhaps we'll have to grapple with virtual music, liquid sound or nano tunes. Who knows? What I do know is that ABBA were right when they said...

... "Thank you for the music".

Le Nano est ne tres bon

I am crap at French. However, I'm not bad at computers - despite what my computer-guru / genius chum may say. Anyway, as a big fan of Apple stuff (including my iMac) I'm feeling a tad miserable this Saturday evening. The reason for this mild depression is that my father-in-law's shiny new iPod Nano (see earlier post) turned out to be a Non-o as I spent most of the day at their house, trying to get his prized new possession to work properly.

However, despite all my spirited, technical attempts and those of the techie chaps at Apple, the Nano just wouldn't play nicely with the PC. It all started off fine and we were flying with the new iTunes installed (and updated Quicktime) and soon we had all his music sync'd with his Nano. Then we updated the Nano's firmware and it all went cack.

About 100 minutes of Apple assistance just couldn't solve the problem and in the end we all admitted defeat and arranged for a new one to be sent. Sacre bleu. My father-in-law was dejected but kept a stiff upper lip and a cheery disposition. I, however felt about as jolly as lap dancer in a monastery. As I write, my own iPod is happily belting out thumping drum 'n' bass (or is it Gloria Estefan?) into my lugholes. In fact the little bleeder seems to be rubbing salt into my wounds by just, well, working. Never mind though. I'm sure that by next week, my father-in-law will be bopping round the lounge/garden/Turkish bath listening to something from the 50's on his new, new Nano.

Or digging out his cassettes/78's/wax cylinder. We shall see...

Man-o with Nano

Great news. My father-in-law is 60. No, that's not the great news. The great news is that he's just taken delivery of a shiny new iPod Nano. It's his first foray into the world of portable digital music and I think he's just a tad excited.


I'm a big fan of 'silver surfers'. You know, the older generation who are taking on the challenge of using today's technology. However, it's surprising how many of the younger generation are not au fait with wi-fi, contention ratios, cache-emptying and even Sky Plus. So anyone of more mature years who really gives technology a go is alright by me.

A good example is my mum. She is, let's say, a fair way beyond 70 but she is a demon texter and loves pressing the old red button to get BBCi on her Freeview. This may all seem easy, obvious and commonplace but if you were over 60 when mobile phones first came out, just imagine how alien a concept they would seem when you had been used to two cans and a piece of string for communication.

So now my father-in-law has a Nano. I've already introduced him to iTunes and digital photography so now I want him to visit the land of playlists, album art and podcasts. I get the feeling he's like a kid in a candy store at the moment, which is great. I thought he would take ages deciding exactly what MP3 player to buy because he does like to take his time when it comes to electronic purchases. I think it took him about 18 months to decide what sort of new PC to buy. Bless him. At least he's redeemed himself now with his speedy Nano purchase.

I just hope he can switch the bloody thing on.

Mac is back in town

Oh happy days. My Mac is back! It's all fixed and running like a dream. The manky PC has been chucked back up into the loft where it shall stay for ever and ever. Ha ha ha!

The thing is, now I have my iMac back home I've got tons of catching up to do - photos to upload and mess around with, movies to work on, emails to read, calenders to update, podcasts to listen to and, and what else?

Oh yeah. Bleedin' blogs to write too.

iHospital

Oh woe and damnation. My iMac is poorly and I've had to take it to the hospital. It's actually a little problem I've been waiting for as it's a known issue with my model. So that's OK.

But hold on a second. Much as I'm a fair and objective bloke, what makes this whole thing really grim is that whilst my iMac is away at the iHospital, I've had to dig out my aged PC. Honestly it's a behemoth of a thing and even though it's only been one day, I'm finding it all a very 'grey' experience. I use a PC at work but have to admit that I always look forward to getting home and using my Mac.

So I have, potentially, two weeks on this bleedin' lump of a machine. No iTunes, photos, movie-making and just plain fun are to be had. Yes, I know I'm being a infantile saddo and worse things do happen at sea but it's how I feel, so there.

Now I know why Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft.