Vehicular oasis

I had the pleasure of having to visit Belgrave Square in London last week. If you didn't know, it's located in Westminster and is one of those truly salubrious parts of London which is filled with the kind of huge, pillar-fronted buildings you see in old films. They are impressive stuccoed buildings with big windows, high ceilings and feeling of true grandeur.

It's also where many of the foreign embassies are. Wikipedia describes it thus: Belgrave Square is one the largest and grandest 19th Century squares in London. And it's not just the buildings that exude a sense of wealth and luxury. The whole place is rammed full of Bentley's, Range Rovers, Porsches, Ferraris andAston Martins.

So as I strolled past Gordon Ramsey's Boxwood Cafe and the 5 star Berkeley Knightsbridge hotel towards Belgrave Square, I felt like I was the underclass, entering a world of caviar, fur coats and million pound deals. The array of exquisite cars lining the street only served to heighten my sense of inferiority.

And then my saviour appeared, partly in shadow, beneath an ornate, cast-iron street lamp.  I felt worthy again. I was not inferior. I was an equal to all of those around me in this alien, billion pound (dollar, euro) world. There, nestled between a  Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren Roadster and a Bentley Continental GTC, was an 'M' reg Proton Saga. In red. And rust. Even better, it was parked in a permit holders' space.

Joy filled me heart. This alien turd of vehicles had sneaked into the hallowed land of the international playboy, film star and corporate banker and said "bollocks to the lot of you" I patted it's manky bonnet and continued onwards past a yellow Lamborghini, smiling to myself.


Proton 1 - 0  Financial excess

Spend & save

Well happy new year and all that jazz. However, the question is, exactly how happy a new year is it? With a world economic recession circling us like vultures over a dead water buffalo, what does 2009 hold for mere mortals like you and me?

Well it depends on how you look at severe financial trauma. Me? Well, I look at my spending and cut back where I can but not to the point where I'm eating soil and making my own pants from leaves. I still treat myself to things. Like margarine and tiny oil paintings. However, some people view things like closing down sales as a retail bonanza, not to be missed at any cost, regardless of the financial situaion.

Certain people manage to convince themselves that by spending money, they are actually saving money. I knew this female, lady-woman who told me she'd saved £3 on a toilet roll multipack, so she bought a £50 coat to celebrate. Is it me or is that mental? So with all these stores like Woolies, Zavvi, MFI and The Pier disappearing from UK high streets, it's like a Pandora's box for many folks. They're like shopping-zombies, lurching trance-like through the doors of the latest collapsing retail giant. And once inside, that bonkers 'spend & save' logic takes over their enfeebled minds and they start shelling out wads of cash to buy things they don't need and can't afford. But it's such a 'brilliant price', they just can't pass up the opportunity. What wisdom.

Then, 5 months later when they've defaulted on their eleven credit & store cards, Mr Bailiff turns up on the doorstep and removes all the lovely stuff purchased in that whirl of discount-infused excitement. And the result? Cheap, nearly-new goods on sale at a reposession auction near you!

Winner.

Can you spare any change guv?

Now don't get me wrong. The current situation in Zimbabwe is atrocious for the people who live there. I'm not going to get political - that's just not what YBATYD is about, so don't worry. I just want you all to know that this post is about a situation and not about people. Right? Good.

The situation in Zimbabwe at the moment is brilliant. Why so? Because they have the most unbelievable inflation in the history of ever, coupled with a simply bonkers approach to dealing with it all - print more money. And not just print more money, but keep re-launching the currency and issuing notes in quite staggering denominations.

OK - time for some numerical fun.

Today, the rate of inflation in the UK stands at 3.3%. In Zimbabwe it is slightly higher at almost 10,500,000%. Yes that's ten and a half million percent. Crackin'.

Today the official exchange rate for the Zimbabwe Dollar against the British Pound is fairly impressive. If you exchange one, solitary Pound for your Zimbabwean Dollar you will get Z$21,450,168. Not bad at all. Oh and if you do the currency exchange the other way you find that Z$1.00 is equal to one-five millionth of a penny. "Can you spare any change guv?".

So, let's look at a real-life situation shall we? This is fun.

Imagine I want to buy A Rampant Rabbit Wave vibrator from Ann Summers in Harare. The UK price for this, er, internal massager is £49. Now let's all whip out our Casio calculators and just see how much that would cost in Zimbabwe. And the answer is:
Z$1,051,058,232. Yes that's over a billion Zimbabwean dollars! Mind you, the Rampant Rabbit Wave does give you "3 levels of ripple intensity and 3 speed buzzy ears". I'd say that's a bargain.

OK. Here are a few more incredible facts about the currency situation:

In February 2007, the central bank of Zimbabwe declared inflation "illegal". Genius.
They do have coins but due to their minuscule value, they only function as gambling tokens in Zimbabwean casinos. Handy.
To help people avoid carrying wheelbarrow loads of cash around, the bank have cleverly now issued mega-banknotes. The highest value one is for Z$50 billion. Simple solution.
And finally - the government are spending £382,000 a week to buy in printed notes with a value of Z$170 trillion.

And we think we have a credit crunch .....

Christmas, cars and cash

Yeah, yeah. I know. I have become the Internet's most inconsistent blogger ... possibly. Well, it's been sort of busy this month. My work is mental right now and I'm working some pretty long days where I have to be nice to moaning people and behave as if I'm having the most fun a human being can have. Yay.

Anyway, I forgot to blog over Xmas itself so sorry and Happy Xmas! Better late than never I say. Unless you're talking about a kidney transplant which is actually better sooner rather than later.

I digress. Christmas was very jolly and my wife adores her new iPod Nano which I bought her. In fact she covets it rather like a lioness with a new cub but with less growling and picking it up in her mouth. Anyway, I enjoyed spending my cash on my family and friends. 'Cash for kindness' I like to think of it as.

Boxing Day was a joy too. I worked a ten hour day. At least there were plenty of other poor sods working too which cheered me up no end. God, I sound like a right miserable bastard don't I? My apologies. It must be my age. 41 is one of those ages that's neither here nor there. It's not "the big 4-0" and it's not even mid-forties. It's sort "the big 4-0 plus one. Mind you, I'm quite keen on being an anonymous age. I think I'll become even keener as I get older.

So that's Christmas and cash mentioned. What about the car? Well driving home from worl last night my car developed a very alarming and serious-sounding noise from around the front wheel/suspension area. It's a hard sound to describe but it reminded me of a metal tin full of bolts and bits of piping, being shaken with fervour every time I went over a bump in the road. I'm no mechanic, but I'm sure this is not a good noise. Furthermore, I'm fairly confident that it's an expensive noise. Yay again.

I shall keep you posted on the situation. Rest assured, it's going to be bad news and very costly news. Which is a good thing ... for you. You see, although we don't like to admit it, other people's misfortune often makes us feel better. It's that "well it could be worse, I could be in his/her situation. It's the sort of thing you say when you get a slightly higher than expected gas bill, only to then see a news item where some poor bugger's house has just blown up following a gas leak. You get the idea.

So dear reader, my festive cheer to you is the gift of my vehicular misery. Whatever traumas or stresses you've had over Xmas, just wait until you hear about my car. That will put a smile on your face as the year draws to a close. I hope my Vauxhall-inspired misfortune brings you joy!

Yay again ... again.

A roof too Ferrari

I was zipping along a dual carriageway the other day and as I passed a line of slower moving cars, I espied a huge black, Ferrari F430, leading the line. Nothing strange about that you may think. However, the car (top speed of 196MPH) was only doing about 50 MPH.

"Strange" I thought. Then, as I drew level with the mighty Italian stallion, I saw why it was driving so slowly. The Ferrari in question was a convertible. Unfortunately, there seemed to be a bit of a problem with the roof. As I passed the £150,000 supercar I could see that the suited, chisel-jawed and extremely embarrassed driver was steering with one hand and trying to hold the roof down with the other. His fingers were gripping the outside of the roof as he struggled to stop if catching the wind and ripping off completely. There was clearly something badly wrong with the roof-closing mechanism and he appeared to have no option but to keep driving until he either got home or to a garage.

Now I have to say that I don't begrudge people having lots of money. Apart from footballers. However, anyone who buys a car that costs more than our house deserves to be the victim of 'crappy-flappy-roof-syndrome' and yes, I did nearly p*ss myself laughing as I wafted past him in my 1.2L Vauxhall Corsa.

Se ha comprato la a Lamborghini.

Oh yeah

Life is good. My neck is feeling better; Birmingham won again; my car is nearly paid for and I've got a whole weekend off. Now you may say that I'm easily pleased and you'd be right. Mind you, I've just had the best part of a whole bottle of classy white wine and I'm listening to iTunes as I type. So, yes, things are pretty good. You want details? No? Well here they are anyway.

Due to the advice from my doctor, sitting bolt upright at work and in my car; doing neck exercises and sleeping with just one (god, that's difficult) pillow have all helped to make me feel ever so slightly human again.

Birmingham (City FC) won again today against local rivals West Brom. In the past few weeks things have been a bit todge for the Blues and there were even rumblings about the boss (Steve Bruce) possibly getting the elbow. However, a trio of victories have changed all that and we are now equal fifth in the league and still in the League Cup.

And yes, after five long years, I make my final payment on my car in mid-November. I shall be several quid better off each month which fills me with considerable joy and self-satisfaction. So what shall I spend my extra cash on? Answers on an email to 'bornthendie@mac.com'.

So, I'm feeling pretty chuffed with myself at the moment which means that something terrible is bound to happen, such as one of my limbs developing deep-vein thrombosis during the night or tribe of murderous, psychopathic Slovakian commis chefs invading the back garden and setting up an open air-cookery school for foreign dissidents. That would be just typical.
I feel, therefore, that I must make the most of things while the going is good and take a few risks.

I'm going to eat the 19 day-old cauliflower that's festering in the fridge.

Feeling Forty?

Well, I'm now officially 40. Now what's that saying? "Life begins at 40"? Right, so I take it that means your life is supposed to take on a whole new, vibrant and 'go-for-it' approach. The worries and constraints of your life so far are cast aside in a frenzy of new beginnings and spirutal enlightenment.

I bought some new pants from Tesco.

So I might be missing something here, but why 40? Surely the time to take on the world is either when you're young enough to have no responsibilities and boundless energy, or old enough to have enough time and money to do what the hell you want. At 40 you're right in the middle of it all. Maybe I'm wrong...

... I should have just thrown caution to the wind and bought a thong instead.

The big purchase

OK, so yesterday I went to buy a something with my Xmas vouchers - from the supermarket. I know, I know but read the posting from yesterday and it explains it all. Well sort of. Anyway, what did I buy? A book. I still have 75% of my money left. I failed to treat myself! Surely that's impossible. But no, I succeeded in failing. How brilliant is that?

Today though I truly have succeeded in using Xmas vouchers by actually buying things. It's quite sad how pleased I am with myself, but you know how good it feels to buy things with money that's not yours, don't you? I don't mean stolen money of course, I mean a gift, a present. It gives me a warm glow of satisfaction, not to mention a warm glow derived from having some cracking new trainers, trousers and a shirt.

Presents. They're great.

Sign of the times

It must be a sign of the times. I got a New Year's present from someone. Now that's not the sign of the times, although it's a bit unusual. What made it unusual was that it's a voucher to spend at a supermarket. Now five or even ten years ago, that would bascially have meant receiving a voucher to spend on vegetables, tins of baked beans or some cat food. But now, with the massive growth of supermarkets and what they sell, you can spend it on CD's, DVD's, clothes, MP3 players, sports equipment, mobile phones or even car insurance!

So, what would have been a really crap voucher a few years ago is, today, a really cracking little present. And that's where I'm headed today. I shall reveal my exciting purchase (bet you can't wait) tomorrow.

Smokin' !