Crocoduck

This amazing photo was taken in Takadapis in Eastern Venezuela just a few days ago. It is an incredible genetic mutation of a crocodile and a duck. The astonishing creature was discovered near a nature reserve by a 12 year old boy who was walking his dog. The boy found the creature waddling along a small path with a dead fish in it's huge jaws.

Scientists are baffled by the 'Crocoduck' as it seems quite healthy and has clearly been able to exist in the wild since birth, which is assumed to have been about 8 months ago. Director of zoology at the Caracas Natural History Museum, Hugo Chávez has examined the animal and believes if to be completely unique. Mr Chávez said .......

Oh forget it. This is the sort of cobblers the tabloid press try to pass off as a real story, every bloody April 1st. I really wish they'd cut it out otherwise the simpletons who actually believe this sort of tripe will just keep buying their newspapers which in turn just makes these gutter press papers even more money and .... oh. I see.

April Fool!

Shaken not stirred

Well it's a bit of a rarity - like having hair on my head, but I can say that 'I was there'. We had an earthquake this morning at around 12.55am. As luck would have it, I was awake and surfing the Tinterweb when it struck.

Now I shall get this in perspective. It wasn't exactly the 1906 San Francisco quake, or the 2006 Tsunami quake, but it did shake the house for about 15 seconds. And I mean properly shake the house. It's such a weird experience becuase suddenly the whole of your immediate world begins to rumble and sway and this is without alcohol or rumpy pumpy being involved.

It turns out that it measured 5.3 on the old Richter scale, with the epicentre being about 60 miles from where I was sitting. I don't think there's any damage been done to the house but I was concerned because I thought it might interrupt my iPod Touch software update which was happening at the time. Luckily, the download finished without out a hitch which was a great relief although I was an emotional wreck for about nine seconds.

Life eh?

Non-horticulurist

Following on from my posting expressing incrdeulity at the appearance of a rose in November, I've since been advised that this is, in fact, entirely normal. I'm gutted. I thought I'd discovered a once-in-a-lifetime event with important climactic consqequences.

Er, no.

A rosy future?

I kid you not. I tell you no lie. As God is my witness. I swear on my life. I promise you. It's mid-November right? I live in the northern hemisphere which means that November is winter, right? Winter is very cold and it is a time when all the flora in your garden either stops growing or dies. Hope you're still with me.

So winter is not spring or summer, traditionally seasons where things grow. OK, good. I just wanted to clarify that. Why then, in the winter, in the UK has a rose just flowered in my front garden? It really has just appeared in the last few days. In fact there may even be two of the amazing little buggers sitting pretty amongst all the wintery deadness. I have to admit that I'm quite staggered by this. It's not even as if a rose that flowered in the summer has managed to stay alive until now. This actually bloomed during the winter.

So is this the effect of global warming? Has the weather been so incredibly mild that this bog-standard little flower thought it was spring or summer and decided that it must be time to pop it's head above the parapet? If so, that's a tad concerning.

However, it could just be an unusual freak of nature that, whilst uncommon, is not completely unheard of and is not in fact an indication of impending global doom. Either way, it's really quite impressive but I'm sure the neighbours think we're carrying out genetic research on the vegetation.

Which would explain the size of my marrows.

Blues 2 - 0 MOT

Oh yes. Get in. Result. Hubba hubba. Well I'm sure you were all having trouble concentrating/eating/operating machinery as you awaited the result of my dreaded MOT. Well dear readers, fear not. By a miracle of the Lord himself (should that be a capital 'H'?)my car, somehow, passed it's MOT. I was truly staggered and relieved at this news which nearly made my day.

However, it was bettered by some even better news. Yes, Birmingham nailed Sheffield Wednesday 2-0 this afternoon, sending us back to the top of the league. The situation now is that Derby must win in their match tomorrow - away at Crystal Palace to prevent us being promoted back to the Premiership. If they manage it, it will all be decided on the last game of the season, next week. My underpants are fair melting at the seams in anticipation. As I'm sure yours are too.

If footie ain't your thing, how about this? There was an earthquake here in Blighty today. Seriously. It was in Kent and measured 4.3 on the old Rectum scale. Or is that Richter scale? Anyway, the hilarious thing that made the whole story so wonderfully British was the report that a row of beach huts had to be evacuated for fear of a landslide! No death and destruction or buildings and bridges collapsing - just some wooden changing rooms under threat from a bit of mud.

I love this country.

Amazing fact of the day

A short but incredible posting today. Guess which country are the current World Elephant Polo champions? Nepal? India? Nope. It's Scotland. Oh yes, and you can find out more by clicking the title of this posting. Ain't that just berserk?

Mind you, having had a quick look at the World Elephant Polo Association (WEPA), I discovered that Iceland have a team. Iceland?? How many bloody elephants are there in Iceland?

About the same as in Scotland I suppose. Nil.

ELF Cup and cricket

I've lost interest in this competition since Greenland went out but if anyone is at all bothered, the final was yesterday and the winners of the ELF Cup 2006 were Northern Cyprus. Oh, alright then. If you must. The final score was Northern Cyprus 3 - 1 Crimea. Happy now?

And I'm not going to mention the cricket because a) you may not like cricket, b) you've no idea what cricket is, c) we're performing abysmally against Australia in the Ashes (down under) so I'd rather not mention it . And that's all there is to say about that.

Oh, and the 'vigorous storm' we were told was heading our way the other day? Nothing. A bit of rain and that was it. What an anti-cliamx. At least Birmingham won yet again on Saturday, against Burnley.

Wow, what a stupendously disjointed posting. Oh well, a change is as good as a rest as they say. You can have too much of a good thing can't you. So I thought I'd deliver something that had no structure, format or point to it.

And I think I've succeeded

Farewell Polar Teddy Bears

"Stýrðu hingat eikjunni,ek mun þér stöðna kenna, eða hverr á skipit, er þú heldr við andit?" I've no idea what this means but I do know that it's poetry written in (Western) Greenlandish (Kalaallisut). A fitting testement I think to the brave chaps of the Greenland national footie team who, yesterday, bowed out of the ELF Cup following a 1-0 defeat to Kyrgyzstan. This meant the lads finished third in Group A and were thus eliminated.

It's sad to see them go but we must dry away our Arctic tears and get on with things. Well the semi-finals are being held on Friday (Kyrgyzstan V Crimea and Northern Cyprus V Zanzibar) with the final on Sunday. Northern Cyprus have got to be the favourites after absolutely nailing poor little Tibet 10-0 in the group stage. Just click on this posting's title for more exciting info on the the whole thing.

Well, other than an update on the final, I fear that's about it for the ELF Cup. Alas dear reader, it means a return to the mundane postings about my life and the bizarre thoughts I have. Mind you, if there is anything out there in the big wide world that you think may be of interest to me / the readers, then feel free to email me at 'bornthendie@mac.com' any time and maybe, just maybe we'll find something to rival the awesome ELF Cup...

Surely not?

ELF Cup update 4

I told you this tournament was going to be good. For some reason the Elf Cup chaps have been a tad remiss and not posted any of today's results. I hope there's not been a major catastrophe like the team bus breaking down, or the security bloke at the stadium forgetting to unlock the gates. So, it looks like you'll just have to wait for the big Greenland v Kyrgyzstan result a bit longer.

I just have to say that I absolutely love today's photo. Feel free to click on it for a wonderful, larger version. The picture is of a highly 'talented' Gaguazia player er, tackling a little Greenlander. I have never seen anything like it in my entire life. What the bloody hell is he doing? Mind you, the Greenland player doesn't exactly look like Ronaldo either. In fact they both look like they've just been told that the ball is packed with dynamite and are desperate to get away from it. The Gaguazian chap actually looks like he may have pooed himself with fright! Oh, this is so immature but I'm laughing as I type this ... sorry ... oh dear.

Aside from the super ELF Cup (click on the title of this posting to take you to more fabulous photos from the tournament), I've been training new staff this evening. I always feel sorry for new staff because training, no matter how hard you try, is nearly always a turgid affair. I do try and make it more exciting but sometimes I try a bit too hard and then people just stare blankly at me. However, that didn't happen tonight and I think it all went well. Perhaps the next time I see them, I can tell them all about Greenland's marvellous 'Polar Teddy Bears'.

It's blank stares again isn't it?

Elf Cup update 2

Not so much an update as a countdown. As I write, the cup starts in 11 minutes! It starts at the same time as Birmingham play Wolves in a noon fixture here in the UK. It's all too much. Even the sun is shining brightly on this winter's day. It's a shame I'm working later (on a Saturday too) because I would love a glass of champagne to celebrate. Mind you, the first game isn't until Sunday but it couldn't be a more perfect first match. Yes, it's Gagauzia v Greenland.

Go for it you Polar Teddy Bears!

ELF cup update 1

I just know I'm going to love the ELF cup. If you're new to YBATYD, see the posting from 7th November and you'll get the idea. Well, the hot news is that Afghanistan have been booted out of the cup just days before it's due to start! Apparently it's due to pressure from FIFA. Now as the ELF cup exists specifically because the teams involved, are not or cannot, be recognized by FIFA it begs the question - why have FIFA got involved? Maybe because they want to welcome war-torn, politically unstable Afghanistan into the FIFA bosom? Er ... perhaps not.

The super-exciting / hilarious result of the Afghan withdrawal is that an urgent replacement was obviously required. And where else do you turn when you need a top-notch footballing nation to fill a gap? You turn to the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' of course. Yes, I can hear you now - "What and where the bloody hell is the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' ?" Well, just a few minutes ago, I asked the same question. Apparently, 'Gagauzia' as it's known is an independent bit of Moldova. Moldova is nestled between Romania and Ukraine. Hope you're enjoying the geography lesson.

OK, so Gagauzia are in the tournament. Unfortunately, there is little info on their footballing achievements. The only thing I've found so far is that they may have a little chap playing for them called Vladimir Zhenunk. Bless him. He's a midfielder and that's about your lot as far as my Gagauzian footie knowledge goes. Please feel free to give me some more info!

One other thing before I finish. I've just checked out the details on the Tibetan national side. Their record defeat was 4-1 against, yes you guessed it, Greenland (God bless those Polar Teddy Bears) but their record win is noted as - none. Oh bless the little Tibetan fellas. They have never won a game. Oh how I wish I were able to go to the ELF cup. Or even watch it on the telly - courtesy of BRT, a Turkish satellite TV station.

Perhaps I'll have a word with Sky ...

Posting poorlyness

What a bizarre title for this posting. I apologise. I was trying to convey two points in one phrase. Clearly it hasn't worked. Oh well. Anyway, the 'posting' bit is a way of saying I'm sorry at the slightly less-than-regular postings this month. Can't really give a reason why but suffice to say that guilt is my constant companion as a result. I shall try and rectify this although I shall give you fair warning that things may well get worse on this front over the next 8 weeks or so as I shall be extremely busy at work. I trust you'll stick with me. OK, please stick with me!

The second bit of the title refers to me feeling a tad under the weather and before all the women reading this, collectively shout "Man flu!" - it bloody well isn't. I'm genuinely not feeling especially magical and even came home early from work today. So there. If you're reading this in some warm and sunny part of the world - I hate you. Well, not hate. That's a bit disingenuous. Perhaps I should just say that I wish I was there and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling so cack. Oh the joys of England in the winter. Mind you, it could be worse.

I could be in Greenland.

Come on Greenland!

I'm sure you're all aware of the imepending, major football tournament which is about to start. Yes of course you are. However, for those that don't know, between November 18th and 25th it's the world famous 'Elf Cup' which this year is taking place in North Cyprus. Amongst the galaxy of top international teams taking part are, Kyrgyzstan, Afghanistan, Zanzibar and of course, Greenland.

Now the Elf Cup is a new international footie tournament for those countries whose teams are not recognised by FIFA (the world governing body for football) and thus cannot compete in FIFA competitions such as the World Cup. Now although it's only new, it is a proper tournament although the bods who are organising it are looking for any sponsorship they can get. So of you fancy helping out, please visit the website by clicking on 'Come on Greenland' above.

So why am I supporting Greenland in this exciting tournament? Well, it just appeals to me for some reason. Maybe it's the thought of all those extremely hardy, weathered Greenlanders having to play football in the heat of Cyprus, or maybe it's because of my posting about 'Mallemaroking' which concerned fishermen on Greenland whaling ships (click on the 'Greenland' tag below this posting) or perhaps it's just because Greenland seems the most unlikely footballing nation of the lot.

Either way, I shall be supporting "The Polar Teddy Bears" - yes that really is their official nickname - all the way. And I will be keeping you, dear reader, up to date with their progress. I'm sure you're collective buttocks are trembling in anticipation. About the football. Obviously.

I have discovered an amazing fact too. You know that I am a Birmingham City fan? Well a year or two ago we had this bloke playing for us called Jesper Grønkjær whom we signed from Chelsea. Well I'll be jiggered. He is a Greenlander! I know, I was amazed too. Sadly though, Jesper has not, does not and never will play for his native country. As Greenland is officially part of Denmark and Denmark is recognized by FIFA, it's Denmark that benefits and not Greenland.

At least they've got whaling. Er ...

Good ol' global warming

Now I know the imminent demise of our fair planet is both extremely serious and wholly depressing but surely 'every cloud has a silver lining'? Take yesterday for example (see the photo). It was the 29th of October, in England and it was 64 degrees. Not only that, the air was still and the sky was blue. Warm sun blazed down on the river and the canal as dozens of people enjoyed a beautiful summer-like stroll.

Of course the downside of this idyllic scene is that it is being generated (so some scientists say) by the burning of fossil fuels, CFC's, carbon emissions and all the other fun activities we humans have been getting up to in the last couple of centuries. I suppose we should have known that all this naughty behaviour would eventually cause a cataclysmic environmental disaster but to be honest, who cared? The only people who ever used to get upset about this sort of thing were baggy jumper-wearing, tent-dwelling, humungously-bearded activists. Some of them were men too. Well, it appears that this little Earth of ours is becoming distinctly unwell and unfortunately there is no planetary health scheme which can help repair it.

As it all seems so hopeless and depressing, I reckon we might as well enjoy the benefits of a global warming. So if that means a warm autumnal walk, a blistering summer's day at the beach or an exciting local flash flood then I think we should just go with the flow / deluge. Now maybe that all sounds a bit dismissive and lacking in any genuine concern for the environment. However, aside from doing my bit - recycling household waste, switching off lights and turning down the central heating - what else can I do that the industries and governments of the world cannot?
I do what I can and after that? Sod it. Slap on the suntan lotion and catch some rays is what I say. I mean, you're born and then you die so you may as well enjoy the bit in the middle.

Even if it means burning like a spit-roasted pig. Vegetarian option available

'Nice'-land?

A colleague of mine at work popped over to Iceland last week for a short break. Before the jokes start, no, he didn't visit the discount, frozen food emporium. He went to the actual country (103,000 sq km /39,769 sq miles; population: 294,000; capital: Reykjavik; major language: Icelandic; main exports: fish and fish products, metals) to experience everything it has to offer. Here then is a summary of events and facts from his trip:

A pint of beer costs £8.00 (That's $15)
He was the only guest at the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss
He hired a 4x4 car but stoved it into a snow drift. He escaped after removing "something from underneath the car"
At a restaurant in Akureyri there was horse meat and whale meat on offer
It was windy. Very windy. Average wind speed was 23 metres a second (60-70 mph)
At the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss they serve meals to the workers at the nearby hydro-electric plant. On Fridays', as part of the set menu, they offer sheeps' heads. Click on the photo

So that I and my other colleagues may enjoy a flavour of Iceland, he bought us back a special culinary treat. Dried fish flakes. Here are several words that describe them: abominable, awful, beastly, detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, loathsome, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, rank, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, satiating, stinking, surfeiting, and vile.

Still, better than a bloody sheep's head. Even with gravy.

Bad hair day

This picture (click to enlarge) shows what happens when enthusiasm collides with ability. I saw this poor, mutilated effort of a tree recently and just had to take a snap of it on my phone. Now I don't know if this was done by the owner of the house or if they had actually paid someone to savage their prized arboreal treasure. Either way it looks like a mangled letter 'T'. I actually feel sorry for it and you can imagine all the other trees taunting it and rustling their leaves, just because they actually have some. On the bright side, branches, like hair do eventually grow back but it'll be years rather than weeks before the grotty-looking tree is back to its' former self.

Better find it a really large hat in the meantime.

Nuclear tip of the iceberg

North Korea today, apparently, did a bit of nuclear testing - as you do. They appear to have detonated a device underground at Gilju in Hamgyong province . Now this has caused rather a large amount of international concern and unease. The U.S said that test was a "provocative act", while China denounced it as "brazen". All in all, it looks like the global fear factor has just nudged up a notch.

Meanwhile, back in Blighty, I'm sitting here thinking that testing nuclear bombs is just another item in an ever increasing list of things we are (or are supposed to be) worried about. Here's a few of them: terrorism, heart disease, global-warming, saturated fats, knife crime, fuel prices, identity theft, pension shortfalls, youth gangs, MMR jabs, internet fraud, street robberies, interest rates, ozone depletion, prison overcrowding etc etc. So in the whole scheme of things, nuclear bomb testing actually ranks really quite low in the never-ending list of concerns I'm faced with every day. You know, it's almost a breath of fresh air.

Well, radiation-saturated air.

Brilliant words - number 1

Mallemaroking. Not only is this a great word to read and to say, it also has the most specific meaning of any word I've ever known. So what does it mean then?

It actually means 'The carousing (drunken merry-making) of seamen on board Greenland whaling ships'. Now how specific is that? Not just merry-making on any ships, but whaling ships and not just any whaling ships but ones only from Greenland! So you can't go mallemaroking on a Portsmouth to Le Harve ferry with a load of Danish social workers. Oh no. Only hammered sailors from Greenland hunting arctic whales just off the Faroe Islands will qualify.

Perhaps there's a word for deluded old men, wearing pyjamas, shouting at traffic in Kidderminster on Friday afternoons.

God, I hope so.