Top 5 websites

I was asked to suggest my top 5 websites for a magazine the other day. I had to write 100 words on each site and why I liked it. I thought it would be easy but, surprisingly, it was much harder than I had expected. You see, in reality, my favourite websites are mostly technology or news-related sites and I thought it would come across a bit narrow-minded if my top 5 were all in the same vein. The other problem was suggesting sites that are really obvious or bog-standard ones like the BBC website. Mind you, I did choose a couple of very well-known sites but hopefully I managed to give a different perspective on them. Gosh, isn't this serious and grown-up?

So what did I choose? Well, I resisted the urge to mention YBATYD which I thought was extremely modest of me. The ones I did choose were: Stuff (gadgets & tech); Google (not the search engine bit - things like Gmail, Reader and docs); Apple (not just Mac's - movie trailers too); Fuel of Britain (Pot Noodle game! 2D platform game where a fat Welsh miner digs fro Pot Noodles); YouTube (yeah I know, but it's a Web 2.0 site so therefore, socially important. Er..)

www.pantswithgravy.com didn't make the cut. Sadly.

Podcast

Just a quick one. It's podcast time again although my podcast site seems to have gone all to cock. I'm working on it. In the meantime, if you haven't done so already, you can subscribe from the podcast site, via iTunes. Just click on the 'podcast' link at the top of the YBATYD blog page. The podcast is available to you now.

It's been a busy weekend as we went to see the panto on Friday followed by the traumatic experience of Christmas shopping yesterday followed by the slightly more enjoyable activity of going to see the new James Bond film, Casino Royale today. It was really pretty great although a million miles away from the glittery, cross-dressing extravaganza that the panto was.

You can't beat watching hairy blokes in dresses, dancing though.

Hello December

Oooh slap my thighs and go to the foot of our stairs. Haven't I been remiss? No postings for two whole days. I think I may have contravened the International Blogging Code of Conduct, section 228k, sub-section 9, paragraph d, point 11a (revised) which states that "the blogger shall, notwithstanding acts of God; force majeure; actual or attempted terrorist actions; flood, fire, earthquake, volcanic eruption, hurricane, tornado, stiff breeze or lack of interest, ensure that a posting (henceforth referred to as 'a posting') shall be actioned on a daily basis insofar and without prejudice, it is feasible and safe (without contravention of local and/or global health & safety regulations) to do so."

So I apologise.

Well, what's happened in those 'missing' days? Well my Xbox 360 returned from Microsoft's repair centre, somewhere in deepest southern England into my excited, sweaty little mitts. Er, that's about it other than to mention our fantastic neighbours over the road who yesterday switched on their absolutely wonderful Christmas lights. They are a joy to behold and I shall endeavour to get a photo for you all soon. I assure you, it'll be worth the wait.

So December is here and that means the festive season is now definitely upon us. Mind you, just about every retail outlet in the land seems to think we want to start buying Christmas presents in bloody September. I really hate that. It's nearly as bad as the January sales that actually start 14 seconds after Christmas day. And don't get me started on Easter.

Prepare for the 'January-Easter-Xmas-Passover-Diwali bonanza sale special'

myTunes

I love iTunes. I currently have (as well as some video, numerous podcasts, a few games and audiobooks) 1,849 songs on my iMac. Apparently, that means I could play a different tune for 5 days, 10 hours, 13 minutes and 40 seconds. That many songs equates to 7.81 gigabytes which is pretty good, especially when my iPod can take another 22 gig's worth of songs before it's full.

Now there's one main reason I love iTunes. It's not the fact that I can now have instant access to my entire music library at any time. Neither is it the fact that I can add songs really quickly and easily whenever I want. No, the reason I really love iTunes is because it's opened my eyes to music I had either never heard, never enjoyed or forgotten about. I still have times when I'm listening to my iPod and song comes on that I've never heard before. Not only that, but because I'm listening to it on my super, noise-cancelling earphones the whole experience becomes more immersive and involving. I have discovered loads of songs that I'd never really listened to before and now find that they are among my favourites. Now that is pretty amazing.

Now I'm not going to be all pro-Apple here. Whichever music player and music system you use, the experience will be pretty much the same. Years ago, I had a Sony Walkman and listened to cassette tapes as I lay in the garden. Yet, almost no-one used these wonderful, but bulky, low audio-quality bits of kit on a daily basis. When the portable CD players came out, they became fairly popular but again, they were bulky. Also, you had to carry around dozens of spare CD's unless you really wanted to hear the same album over and over again. And boy, did they skip if you did anything like walking fast or, dare I say it, dance around a bit.

After the portable CD players had achieved moderate success, we saw the arrival of Minidisc players. I actually have an old Sony model. The sound quality was really good, so an improvement over the cassettes and on a par with the CD's. Where it scored over the CD players was that you could fit multiple albums onto one disc. I managed 5 albums on a disc, although the more music you added, the lower the quality as all the information had to be squeezed more tightly to fit onto the disc. Minidisc never really took off and I only ever bought one 'proper' minidisc album. Thanks Moby. After that, there was a long gap until MP3 players hit the streets and things really heated up when Apple launched the iPod in October 2001. I think we know what happened next.

When I got my iPod for my 40th birthday it was like being a child again. I was so excited and amazed at this revolution in music that appeared when I opened the box. And now I can't imagine not having a portable music player in my possession. I can't imagine not having 1849 songs on my computer. So what's going to happen when the next generation of music format arrives? Perhaps we'll have to grapple with virtual music, liquid sound or nano tunes. Who knows? What I do know is that ABBA were right when they said...

... "Thank you for the music".

ELF Cup and cricket

I've lost interest in this competition since Greenland went out but if anyone is at all bothered, the final was yesterday and the winners of the ELF Cup 2006 were Northern Cyprus. Oh, alright then. If you must. The final score was Northern Cyprus 3 - 1 Crimea. Happy now?

And I'm not going to mention the cricket because a) you may not like cricket, b) you've no idea what cricket is, c) we're performing abysmally against Australia in the Ashes (down under) so I'd rather not mention it . And that's all there is to say about that.

Oh, and the 'vigorous storm' we were told was heading our way the other day? Nothing. A bit of rain and that was it. What an anti-cliamx. At least Birmingham won yet again on Saturday, against Burnley.

Wow, what a stupendously disjointed posting. Oh well, a change is as good as a rest as they say. You can have too much of a good thing can't you. So I thought I'd deliver something that had no structure, format or point to it.

And I think I've succeeded

Exploding nuts

Oh my God. I nearly died today. Well, not actually nearly died but I did almost have a trouser movement. What happened? Well, I had popped down to Tesco's to get some bits 'n' bobs, as you do and I espied some rather nice-looking chestnuts. So, on the spur of the moment, I thought I'd get some.

Right. Cue 20 minutes later and the chezzies are on the old baking tray, cooking away in the oven. Now I've only ever bought roasted chestnuts from one of those funny little roadside stalls, so I was inexperienced in the way of the chezzie. But how hard can it be I thought?

After 8 minutes in the oven I took the baking tray out and the smell of the hot chestnuts enveloped and teased my sense of smell, lulling me into a sort of food-infused daze. My reverie was shattered though by what happened next. I was leaning over the tray, inhaling the delectable odour one of the little b***ards exploded in my face. When I say exploded, I mean exploded. Fragnments of pulverised chestnut shot everywhere, including over my horror-stricken face. As I recoiled in shock I knocked over a china bowl which smashed into pieces on the tiled kitchen floor. I was staggered. I was flabbergasted. I was covered in bits of chestnut.

Chestnuts? Never again.

A touch of wind

Well the forecasters say there's going to be a 'vigorous storm' in the south and central parts of the UK tonight. Crikey. Now if you happen to live in 'tornado alley' in the U.S or in just about anywhere in S.E Asia or indeed many other parts of the world, you'll be more than used to severe weather. However, here in dear old Blighty our weather is, usually, fairly benign.

Mind you, things are a changin'. This summer for example was, if I recall correctly, the hottest ever in the UK. Also, the water table (the level of underground water) is at it's lowest level since records began and has been getting worse in the last few years. We certainly seem to be having more regular extremes of weather anyway. The perception (in Hollywood films at least) of the UK as being permanently shrouded in fog is seriously inaccurate. Nowadays it's either face-melting sun or enough rain to give Noah's Ark a good outing, meaning that we keep breaking all sorts of meteorological records.

Let's hope tonight's 'breeze' isn't one of them.

Farewell Polar Teddy Bears

"Stýrðu hingat eikjunni,ek mun þér stöðna kenna, eða hverr á skipit, er þú heldr við andit?" I've no idea what this means but I do know that it's poetry written in (Western) Greenlandish (Kalaallisut). A fitting testement I think to the brave chaps of the Greenland national footie team who, yesterday, bowed out of the ELF Cup following a 1-0 defeat to Kyrgyzstan. This meant the lads finished third in Group A and were thus eliminated.

It's sad to see them go but we must dry away our Arctic tears and get on with things. Well the semi-finals are being held on Friday (Kyrgyzstan V Crimea and Northern Cyprus V Zanzibar) with the final on Sunday. Northern Cyprus have got to be the favourites after absolutely nailing poor little Tibet 10-0 in the group stage. Just click on this posting's title for more exciting info on the the whole thing.

Well, other than an update on the final, I fear that's about it for the ELF Cup. Alas dear reader, it means a return to the mundane postings about my life and the bizarre thoughts I have. Mind you, if there is anything out there in the big wide world that you think may be of interest to me / the readers, then feel free to email me at 'bornthendie@mac.com' any time and maybe, just maybe we'll find something to rival the awesome ELF Cup...

Surely not?

ELF Cup update 4

I told you this tournament was going to be good. For some reason the Elf Cup chaps have been a tad remiss and not posted any of today's results. I hope there's not been a major catastrophe like the team bus breaking down, or the security bloke at the stadium forgetting to unlock the gates. So, it looks like you'll just have to wait for the big Greenland v Kyrgyzstan result a bit longer.

I just have to say that I absolutely love today's photo. Feel free to click on it for a wonderful, larger version. The picture is of a highly 'talented' Gaguazia player er, tackling a little Greenlander. I have never seen anything like it in my entire life. What the bloody hell is he doing? Mind you, the Greenland player doesn't exactly look like Ronaldo either. In fact they both look like they've just been told that the ball is packed with dynamite and are desperate to get away from it. The Gaguazian chap actually looks like he may have pooed himself with fright! Oh, this is so immature but I'm laughing as I type this ... sorry ... oh dear.

Aside from the super ELF Cup (click on the title of this posting to take you to more fabulous photos from the tournament), I've been training new staff this evening. I always feel sorry for new staff because training, no matter how hard you try, is nearly always a turgid affair. I do try and make it more exciting but sometimes I try a bit too hard and then people just stare blankly at me. However, that didn't happen tonight and I think it all went well. Perhaps the next time I see them, I can tell them all about Greenland's marvellous 'Polar Teddy Bears'.

It's blank stares again isn't it?

Get it Onn

Ooh I love my gadgets. So imagine my joy when my wife suggested yesterday that it was about time we treated ourselves to a DAB (digital) radio. We'd been considering buying one for ages but decided to be all grown-up and cost-conscious. However, when we discovered that Asda (Wal Mart) were flogging a cracking little DAB radio (the exact one that's in the photo, made by Onn) for just £30, we could contain ourselves no longer.

It's just wonderful, especially when you listen to stations that are broadcast on medium wave instead of FM. I listen to a MW station all the time and the reception is often similar to that experienced by Cape Canaveral during the 1960's Apollo missions. On DAB it sounds like liquid glass slicing through soft butter. Er ...

Now, all 30 stations are crystal clear and my wife and I can now switch between our respective favourites with ease. No honestly, it's really exciting. You even get the name of the currently-playing song displayed on the radio! So now the crappy old transistor radio has been banished to the bathroom where it will eventually rot and die. Die. Die! So farewell medium wave and hello digital radio.

Now that's a turn-Onn

ELF cup update 3

Oh you beauties! The Polar Teddy Bears have made my day. My wife and I went to a very jolly christening today which was followed by a magnificent slap-up meal. So that was good enough but upon our return home I checked the results from day one at my beloved ELF cup and guess what? Yep, my chaps did the business over the fellas from that bizarre little segment of Moldova. Here are the results then from the first day:

Gagauzia 0 v 2 Greenland
Kyrgyzstan 0 v 1 Zanzibar
Tibet 0 v 3 Tajikistan

Oh and the photo is the only picture I've managed to find of the Greenland national side.

Don't they look athletic?

Elf Cup update 2

Not so much an update as a countdown. As I write, the cup starts in 11 minutes! It starts at the same time as Birmingham play Wolves in a noon fixture here in the UK. It's all too much. Even the sun is shining brightly on this winter's day. It's a shame I'm working later (on a Saturday too) because I would love a glass of champagne to celebrate. Mind you, the first game isn't until Sunday but it couldn't be a more perfect first match. Yes, it's Gagauzia v Greenland.

Go for it you Polar Teddy Bears!

Podcasts and parking

OK, it's podcast number three tomorrow so you'd better get downloading / subscribing. It's also the start of the ELF cup as well. Oh yes - I know you share my excitement on that one. Mind you, I do think I've been a bit remiss with regards to me, myself, yours truly recently. What do I mean? Well, this is supposed to be a blog that includes the things that I am up to, as well as all the stuff going on in the world in general. So I'm going to ensure you get to hear more of the mundane segments of my life along with the more exciting, global stuff. Oh yes.

However, that can all wait because I'm tired and need to hit the sack. Oh, I nearly forgot - here's a mundane slice of my life, right now. I got stuck in the multi-storey car park for 20 minutes today. It was great. You have to drive up a big curved ramp to get to the car park barrier and when I arrived there today, a car was sitting there doing nothing (apart from having it's engine running and brake lights on). I instantly got annoyed because it only takes 7 nano-seconds to collect a ticket from the ticket machine, the barrier to raise and the car to get going. Well, it turned out that this women tried to pre-pay by credit card (which you can do) but the sodding machine swallowed her card.

After 5 minutes there were 7 cars all backed up the ramp behind me so escape was impossible. What did I do? Scream, shout, beep my horn, rev my engine, sacrifice a lamb? No. I turned the engine off, popped my iPod on and slipped into a chilled-music-induced coma for 15 perfect minutes.

My peace was shattered when a car park attendant (bit of a scrote) lumbered up and started bashing the ticket machine in a sort of Neanderthal-esque attempt to remove the woman's credit card. Well he got it sorted eventually and I finally managed to park my car. I was kind of hoping that the whole thing could have taken much longer and then I could have enjoyed the rest of my wonderfully soporific music, but my joy was cruelly cut short.

Ain't life a bitch?

ELF cup update 1

I just know I'm going to love the ELF cup. If you're new to YBATYD, see the posting from 7th November and you'll get the idea. Well, the hot news is that Afghanistan have been booted out of the cup just days before it's due to start! Apparently it's due to pressure from FIFA. Now as the ELF cup exists specifically because the teams involved, are not or cannot, be recognized by FIFA it begs the question - why have FIFA got involved? Maybe because they want to welcome war-torn, politically unstable Afghanistan into the FIFA bosom? Er ... perhaps not.

The super-exciting / hilarious result of the Afghan withdrawal is that an urgent replacement was obviously required. And where else do you turn when you need a top-notch footballing nation to fill a gap? You turn to the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' of course. Yes, I can hear you now - "What and where the bloody hell is the 'Territorial Autonomous Unit of Gagauzia' ?" Well, just a few minutes ago, I asked the same question. Apparently, 'Gagauzia' as it's known is an independent bit of Moldova. Moldova is nestled between Romania and Ukraine. Hope you're enjoying the geography lesson.

OK, so Gagauzia are in the tournament. Unfortunately, there is little info on their footballing achievements. The only thing I've found so far is that they may have a little chap playing for them called Vladimir Zhenunk. Bless him. He's a midfielder and that's about your lot as far as my Gagauzian footie knowledge goes. Please feel free to give me some more info!

One other thing before I finish. I've just checked out the details on the Tibetan national side. Their record defeat was 4-1 against, yes you guessed it, Greenland (God bless those Polar Teddy Bears) but their record win is noted as - none. Oh bless the little Tibetan fellas. They have never won a game. Oh how I wish I were able to go to the ELF cup. Or even watch it on the telly - courtesy of BRT, a Turkish satellite TV station.

Perhaps I'll have a word with Sky ...

Posting poorlyness

What a bizarre title for this posting. I apologise. I was trying to convey two points in one phrase. Clearly it hasn't worked. Oh well. Anyway, the 'posting' bit is a way of saying I'm sorry at the slightly less-than-regular postings this month. Can't really give a reason why but suffice to say that guilt is my constant companion as a result. I shall try and rectify this although I shall give you fair warning that things may well get worse on this front over the next 8 weeks or so as I shall be extremely busy at work. I trust you'll stick with me. OK, please stick with me!

The second bit of the title refers to me feeling a tad under the weather and before all the women reading this, collectively shout "Man flu!" - it bloody well isn't. I'm genuinely not feeling especially magical and even came home early from work today. So there. If you're reading this in some warm and sunny part of the world - I hate you. Well, not hate. That's a bit disingenuous. Perhaps I should just say that I wish I was there and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling so cack. Oh the joys of England in the winter. Mind you, it could be worse.

I could be in Greenland.

Homity pie recipe

Oh my God. This blog is turning into Delia Smith's 'How To Cook'. Personally, my cookery hero is Hugh Fearnely-Whittingstall. Anyone who can make a meal out of roadside weeds and bits of random woodland animal is alright by me. Even though I'm half-veggie. Anyway, due to popular (one request) demand, following on from my blog about the pub meal, I have decided to share my Homity pie recipe. I think it's chuffing gorgeous and it's dead easy to make, especially if you cheat and buy frozen shortcrust pastry. Excited? OK then. Here goes:

Ingredients:

Shortcrust Pastry 300g
Potatoes 350g
Onions 450g
Oil 3 tablespoons
Margarine 25g
Parsley, chopped 15g
Cheese, grated 100g
Garlic cloves 2 crushed
Milk 1 tablespoon
Salt & pepper to taste

• Roll out the pastry and use to line six 4” individual tins or foil dishes.

• Alternatively, use a single 8” dish.

• Boil or steam the potatoes until tender.

• Chop the onions, then sauté in the oil until really soft.

• Combine the potatoes and onions. Add the butter, parsley, half (50g) of the cheese, garlic, and milk. season well to taste.

• Really mix well. Break up (don’t mash) the potatoes. Allow to cool.

• Once cool – use the mixture to fill the pastry cases or dish.

• Sprinkle with the remaining cheese.

• Bake in the oven at 220°C (425°F) for 20 minutes, until golden.

• If baking in an 8” dish, bake for 25-30 minutes.

Makes 6 pies

Then shout "Who ate all the pies?" Then shout again "I did!"

Arrogance alert

I thought it was about time I 'bigged' myself up a bit. So today I'm going to tell you about something that I'm brilliant at. Anyone who knows me would probably agree. In fact, I know they would agree. So what is it that I can afford to be so arrogant about? What do I feel I am so good at? I shall tell you then, dear reader (that's a generic 'reader', not a singular version).

Accents.

I am great at doing accents. I once counted them all and it was over 50. I must say that I think I have a natural talent for impersonating voices. Not impersonating people, but rather the way they speak. It's a bit ironic really that I have such a good ear copying the way people speak because when it comes to singing I'm bloody abysmal. Not so much tone-deaf as tone-dead. I truly have an appalling ability to not follow the tune of any song. I had a singing lesson once. The bloke played a note on the piano which I was supposed to then sing. After several attempts, he told me to sing the note and he would try and copy it. He couldn't find a matching note. That's a true story and one which proves my point. I am to singing what Genghis Khan was to 13th century world peace or Tequila slammers are to incisive political debate. I can't sing.

So, good job then that I can do accents. I do international as well as regional accents. Being from England, I do many UK accents including all the ones that actors put on their CV's (resumes for our U.S chums) such as 'Cockney', 'Scouse' and 'Scottish'. Now if you are reading this from Scotland, that last one will annoy you. It will annoy you for the same reason as someone who says that they can do an 'American', 'English' or 'Irish' accent does. That's because countries do not have a single generic accent and as someone who actually lives in the UK, I should be able to do at least some regional variations.

So, I can do two or three Scottish accents including a fairly good Glaswegian. I can do a Southern Ireland (Eire) and Northern Ireland accent and in fact, can have a go at two N.I accents - (London)Derry and Belfast. Yes there is a difference! I can do north and south Wales pretty damn well. I was once working in a job where I had to pretend to be from an actual Welsh village called Ystradgynlais. I was chatting to some Welsh people (using my accent) and they asked where I was from. Now being all professional, I didn't want to say that I was from a town in England but they went on and on at me until I told them that I wasn't Welsh. They were gobsmaked but the best bit was when they said that they knew I wasn't from Ystradgynlais because I sounded like I was from Cwmtach. Cwmtach is about 2 miles from Ystradgynlais. It was then that I knew I was good.

My international accents are not too bad and include (without regional variations - yet) 'Australian', 'French', 'South African', 'Chinese', 'Italian', 'Russian' and others. For the USA I reckon I can do 'New York', 'Texas" and a sort of generic one which sometimes becomes a 'California' special.... Maybe I shall give you a taster on the next podcast which is due out this week. I know you're all waiting with baited breath. Er, possibly. Well that's enough being arrogant for one day and time to revert to my usual, modest self.

I'm brilliant at modesty.

Postings, pubs and pies

Ooh my posting is slipping again. Sorry about that. I've got no excuses. Anyway, as I've got your interest I just wanted to say that I've had some nice feedback about the podcast. Now I know it's not the best (yet) but I shall persevere and hopefully you'll be laughing. Or tittering. Or smirking - slightly.

Please let me know if you have any problems listening to the podcast, either on the podcast website or via iTunes. There is actually an old podcast feed on iTunes which I need to try and get deleted. the correct one has the (currently two) most up to date shows on and had a 5 star feedback on there too!

Well, time for some more wine. I'm still savouring the gorgeous salad dressing I knocked up earlier. God I'm a talented individual. In fact I must tell you my recipe for homity pie sometime. It's a classic, old English dish and one I'd never seen in a restaurant until Friday night when a load of us went to a renowned pub for a hearty meal. The food on offer was amazing and the setting is pure, old-fashioned English pub. And no, none of it is fake. It's a truly wonderful setting and still full of locals as well as the 'outsiders' who have come to sample the highly rated food. However, the most memorable thing for me was the appearance of homity pie on the menu. I was so chuffed, although I didn't order it in case it was better than my own version!

So thank you to the The Bear inn at Alderwasley in Derbyshire. It was worth the long journey to get there and any pub that serves food including wild boar and homity pie is alright by me.

Cheers.

Just a quickie!

I've just got in from work and I've had a long day. Got another long day tomorrow so I'm not going to do a lengthy post. Even 40 year old blokes need their beauty sleep. Actually, I need a lot of beauty sleep. Anyway, I met someone today who is tri-lingual. he speaks English, German and Spanish. Now I really admire people who can speak other languages.

I always remember being taught French in school. It was ridiculous because we spent weeks learning reflexive verbs and sub-congugated, pre-raphaelite nouns in French, when we didn't even know what the bloody hell they were in English. And don't even talk to me about learning German. It's a really tricky language to learn and, if I recall, has three tenses - masculine, feminine and neutral. I think. "Die deutsche Sprache ist einfach zu erlernen und eine Freude, zum zu sprechen". If you can translate that I shall buy you a beer. Possibly.

Anyway, enough rambling. And enough foreign languages. Hold on though - this is fun." 私は寢て疲れ、必要性である。明日私達はヤギの農場に行く"。Tranlsated from Chinese, that means "I am tired and need to go to sleep. Tomorrow we shall go to the goat farm". Ha! Just a couple more. I know you're enjoying this. How about "Mijn knieën zijn zwak wegens de hoge winden. Ik kan nu het strijken doen niet". That's Dutch for "My knees are weak because of the high winds. I cannot do the ironing now". And finally "Le signore nel villaggio sono impaurite dei fiori gialli. Dobbiamo utilizzare l'aerostato magico per fuoriuscire". In Italian it sounds enchanting but in English it sounds rather disturbing - "The ladies in the village are afraid of the yellow flowers. We must use the magic balloon to escape".

I think I should lie down. (Σκέφτομαι ότι πρέπει να ξαπλώσω - in Greek)

Come on Greenland!

I'm sure you're all aware of the imepending, major football tournament which is about to start. Yes of course you are. However, for those that don't know, between November 18th and 25th it's the world famous 'Elf Cup' which this year is taking place in North Cyprus. Amongst the galaxy of top international teams taking part are, Kyrgyzstan, Afghanistan, Zanzibar and of course, Greenland.

Now the Elf Cup is a new international footie tournament for those countries whose teams are not recognised by FIFA (the world governing body for football) and thus cannot compete in FIFA competitions such as the World Cup. Now although it's only new, it is a proper tournament although the bods who are organising it are looking for any sponsorship they can get. So of you fancy helping out, please visit the website by clicking on 'Come on Greenland' above.

So why am I supporting Greenland in this exciting tournament? Well, it just appeals to me for some reason. Maybe it's the thought of all those extremely hardy, weathered Greenlanders having to play football in the heat of Cyprus, or maybe it's because of my posting about 'Mallemaroking' which concerned fishermen on Greenland whaling ships (click on the 'Greenland' tag below this posting) or perhaps it's just because Greenland seems the most unlikely footballing nation of the lot.

Either way, I shall be supporting "The Polar Teddy Bears" - yes that really is their official nickname - all the way. And I will be keeping you, dear reader, up to date with their progress. I'm sure you're collective buttocks are trembling in anticipation. About the football. Obviously.

I have discovered an amazing fact too. You know that I am a Birmingham City fan? Well a year or two ago we had this bloke playing for us called Jesper Grønkjær whom we signed from Chelsea. Well I'll be jiggered. He is a Greenlander! I know, I was amazed too. Sadly though, Jesper has not, does not and never will play for his native country. As Greenland is officially part of Denmark and Denmark is recognized by FIFA, it's Denmark that benefits and not Greenland.

At least they've got whaling. Er ...

So tired

I must be getting old. Oh, I am. I feel so tired after working over the weekend and am struggling to wake up this morning. Never mind, I've got work later so that should do the trick. Yay.

When you're tired, everything seems a real effort so you can imagine my dismay when I just remembered that Christmas is on the way. This of course means present-buying and card-sending which are two things I absolutely detest. What's worse, I know so many people who have already started the whole process and I've heard of two people who have finished (I'll say that again) finished their Christmas shopping already. What? Do these people have their own graves dug - ready and waiting as well?

So the thought of the impending festive trauma is making me feel even more tired now. Therefore I propose to eat some late breakfast and then watch telly whilst returning to a semi-comotose state before I have to do the work thing again.

Wow. Life's a ball ain't it?

Podcast at last!

It's here! The YBATYD Podcast has landed. Actually, it arrived two weeks ago and those eagle-eyed readers amongst you may have seen the subtle little link to the podcast site at the top right of this page.

Episode 1, however, is really just a pilot show with no real content. Mind you it's worth a listen. Episode 2 is far better. It's even got a proper structure to it and everything! Now the YBATYD Podcast will be broadcast every two weeks (or as near as I can muster) and will be in two parts.

Part one will be a review and update of all the recent postings from this 'ere blog. Part two will be an exciting look at some of the amusing, weird and bizarre stories from the web as well as any strange websites I think you may be interested in. You lucky people.

Now there are a couple of ways to listen to the YBATYD Podcast. Either way, you firstly need to click the podcast link on this page. This will take you to the YBATYD Podcast website. From here you can either choose to listen to any of the shows directly from the site or you can click on the Subscribe button which will then subscribe you to the show via iTunes. How chuffing marvellous is that?

There really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Plagiarism!

OK, alright, just leave it will you? Look, blogging ain't easy. You have to think of someting to write nearly every day and in my case I have to try and make it amusing too. So I'm under more pressure than a bloke with his finger stuck in a hole in the Hoover Dam. So sometimes, just sometimes I have to resort to a bit of plagiarism (the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work) in order to deliver to my readers. Although, as I'm admitting my cheating it's technically not plagiarism. Just borrowing. Sort of.

Anyway, a dear chum of mine (who used to have a chiselled jaw but it's filled out a bit now) sent me a rather amusing email. Now I truly, hardly ever forward on emails (especially the ones that have already been forwarded 87 times and every single person who's sent it onwards has left all the addresses and other crap on from the previous sender and the one before and ... and ...) so I've only borrowed this because I reckon it's both amusing and witty - unlike all my posts thus far.

So, without further ado, here it is:

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Next time - Original content! Subject to creative ability.

Ghostly thoughts

As it's Hallowe'en (note the pedantic, correct spelling), I've been thinking about spooky things, witches, ghosts, monsters and ghoulies (not goolies - that's someting else entirely). So, apparitions and poltergeists are things that we all think may be there but we never see. Something else which I know is there but never see are comments from my dear readers. That's you.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful that a few misguided souls out there actually peruse my little literary oasis, sitting here quietly on the interwebnet. I'm also eternally grateful to those of you who do pop your thoughts in the old Comments box and share them with the rest of us - especially my super comment-er who so kindly gives regular feedback on my inane ramblings. I'd just love to hear thoughts from the rest of you from time to time. Really, I would. Really.

It's really easy to do. You just click on the word 'Comments' which is below each posting. In the box that opens just scroll to the space where you type in what you want to say, complete the word verification section and then choose 'anonymous' or 'other' (unless you are a fellow Blogger) as your identity and click "Publish your comment'. You're done. Easy. Then I can put your feedback on the site and your valued input will be there for the world to see. Ain't that just swell?

Failing that - just send cash to my PayPal account.

Good ol' global warming

Now I know the imminent demise of our fair planet is both extremely serious and wholly depressing but surely 'every cloud has a silver lining'? Take yesterday for example (see the photo). It was the 29th of October, in England and it was 64 degrees. Not only that, the air was still and the sky was blue. Warm sun blazed down on the river and the canal as dozens of people enjoyed a beautiful summer-like stroll.

Of course the downside of this idyllic scene is that it is being generated (so some scientists say) by the burning of fossil fuels, CFC's, carbon emissions and all the other fun activities we humans have been getting up to in the last couple of centuries. I suppose we should have known that all this naughty behaviour would eventually cause a cataclysmic environmental disaster but to be honest, who cared? The only people who ever used to get upset about this sort of thing were baggy jumper-wearing, tent-dwelling, humungously-bearded activists. Some of them were men too. Well, it appears that this little Earth of ours is becoming distinctly unwell and unfortunately there is no planetary health scheme which can help repair it.

As it all seems so hopeless and depressing, I reckon we might as well enjoy the benefits of a global warming. So if that means a warm autumnal walk, a blistering summer's day at the beach or an exciting local flash flood then I think we should just go with the flow / deluge. Now maybe that all sounds a bit dismissive and lacking in any genuine concern for the environment. However, aside from doing my bit - recycling household waste, switching off lights and turning down the central heating - what else can I do that the industries and governments of the world cannot?
I do what I can and after that? Sod it. Slap on the suntan lotion and catch some rays is what I say. I mean, you're born and then you die so you may as well enjoy the bit in the middle.

Even if it means burning like a spit-roasted pig. Vegetarian option available

Oh yeah

Life is good. My neck is feeling better; Birmingham won again; my car is nearly paid for and I've got a whole weekend off. Now you may say that I'm easily pleased and you'd be right. Mind you, I've just had the best part of a whole bottle of classy white wine and I'm listening to iTunes as I type. So, yes, things are pretty good. You want details? No? Well here they are anyway.

Due to the advice from my doctor, sitting bolt upright at work and in my car; doing neck exercises and sleeping with just one (god, that's difficult) pillow have all helped to make me feel ever so slightly human again.

Birmingham (City FC) won again today against local rivals West Brom. In the past few weeks things have been a bit todge for the Blues and there were even rumblings about the boss (Steve Bruce) possibly getting the elbow. However, a trio of victories have changed all that and we are now equal fifth in the league and still in the League Cup.

And yes, after five long years, I make my final payment on my car in mid-November. I shall be several quid better off each month which fills me with considerable joy and self-satisfaction. So what shall I spend my extra cash on? Answers on an email to 'bornthendie@mac.com'.

So, I'm feeling pretty chuffed with myself at the moment which means that something terrible is bound to happen, such as one of my limbs developing deep-vein thrombosis during the night or tribe of murderous, psychopathic Slovakian commis chefs invading the back garden and setting up an open air-cookery school for foreign dissidents. That would be just typical.
I feel, therefore, that I must make the most of things while the going is good and take a few risks.

I'm going to eat the 19 day-old cauliflower that's festering in the fridge.

Pain in the neck - part II

I posted previously about my manky neck. Well you'll be delighted to know that it's still there. The pain, not my neck. Although, of course, my neck is still there. Anyway, I finally went to the doc's yesterday and was told that I have a "chronic neck injury". Oh joy. It's all to do with the fibrous muscles which are connected to my spine being in spasm, pretty much constantly. More joy. It looks like I've developed this delightful affliction over a sustained period and that it's caused by things like being on the computer; the way I've been sitting and possibly just generally giving the left side of my neck some grief.

And the cure? Don't sit wrong, lie wrong or use the computer mouse wrong. I also have to do neck exercises that make me look like a simpleton. Added to this I need to have my chair at work and my car seat, bolt upright. I look like a right old duffer as I'm driving along with my head touching the roof of the car and then twisting my whole body round when I need to look right. I've seen people tittering.

It's doing my head in. Sometimes the pain in my neck is bad enough to make wish for a distraction. I've even considered dropping a couple of live lobsters down my trousers or gargling a cup of Windowlene for a bit of light relief. Oh well, I'm sure things will be back to normal soon enough.

Yes. I am brave aren't I?

Past the 100!

Hello and welcome to posting 101. Well, I'm obviously extremely proud to be here on this momentous occasion. Of course, I'd like to thank my parents, my wife, my family, my lawyer, my chiropractor, my cat, my high school geology teacher, my cholonic-irrigantionist, my friends & colleagues and finally, my old neighbour - Pat (for not letting on about my little incident with badger and the morphine) for all their love and support ... sorry, I'm a little emotional .... I just want this to be a reminder to everyone about all the suffering there is in the world. It's time we stopped global-warming and people-trafficking. We need to fight oppression and torture which is so rampant in so many corrupt regimes. We must stand against the onslaught of worldwide consumerism. And we must fight those who serve 'brown' sauce instead of proper HP Sauce in roadside cafes.

So, thank you to all / both my loyal readers. I never thought I'd keep going with YBATYD but, after a few wobbly bits (that's not a literal 'wobbly') I've hopefully managed to provide the odd nano-second of joy to a few precious souls. I intend to continue with my scholarly ramblings for as long as I'm mentally able. So that's the next 4 months guaranteed then.

Please keep enjoying the blog and please keep commenting or emailing me. I just love a bit of typographical banter you know. Oh and if anyone wants to send me money / precious metals / tinned fish, I shall accept them all graciously. So then, YBATYD continues and who knows, maybe one day it will be recognised for the literary genius I know it is.

Now where did I put my anti-dementia pills?

'Nice'-land?

A colleague of mine at work popped over to Iceland last week for a short break. Before the jokes start, no, he didn't visit the discount, frozen food emporium. He went to the actual country (103,000 sq km /39,769 sq miles; population: 294,000; capital: Reykjavik; major language: Icelandic; main exports: fish and fish products, metals) to experience everything it has to offer. Here then is a summary of events and facts from his trip:

A pint of beer costs £8.00 (That's $15)
He was the only guest at the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss
He hired a 4x4 car but stoved it into a snow drift. He escaped after removing "something from underneath the car"
At a restaurant in Akureyri there was horse meat and whale meat on offer
It was windy. Very windy. Average wind speed was 23 metres a second (60-70 mph)
At the hotel Hrauneyjar in Hrauneyjarfoss they serve meals to the workers at the nearby hydro-electric plant. On Fridays', as part of the set menu, they offer sheeps' heads. Click on the photo

So that I and my other colleagues may enjoy a flavour of Iceland, he bought us back a special culinary treat. Dried fish flakes. Here are several words that describe them: abominable, awful, beastly, detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, loathsome, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, rank, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, satiating, stinking, surfeiting, and vile.

Still, better than a bloody sheep's head. Even with gravy.

Sunday wedding

Just got back from a wedding reception. Yeah, I know, on a Sunday. Therefore, I'm going to be a tad tired tomorrow ('cos I'm a lightweight). However, the folks at the 'do' didn't let us down. There were the obligatory drunk dads 'dancing' to Bohemian Rhapsody and Tainted Love along with an assortment of small children, charging around in a variety of junior dinner jackets and small-person, satin bridesmaid dresses.

The buffet was spot on and even featured a blast from the past in the form of cheese and pineapple on cocktails sticks. A classic. The bride looked radiant and the groom looked hammered but extremely pleased with himself. I think they're off to Prague for the honeymoon.

All in all, a really nice evening and a chance to make an effort in the personal presentation department - I had a shower and a shave. I hope they have a long and happy marriage together.

Well, long anyway!

Podcast ... possibly?

How much drivel can you stand? If it's not bad enough reading the pages of tripe that I churn out on this 'ere blog, I'm considering a YBATYD podcast. I actually did a couple of trial podcasts a while ago but having just taken delivery of iLife 06 for my Mac, I can now produce something decent. Er, I hope.

Now the thing is, a)who would want to hear it? b)will it have enough content? c)can I be arsed? I reckon I'd have to rely on plenty of humorous stories and info from t'internet alongside my own creative genius. Ooops - modesty alert. Well, I'm working on some bits 'n' bobs right now, so if things work out then I may well give it a go. Of course the YBATYD blog will continue whatever happens, so don't go chucking yourselves of bridges/tall buildings/coffee tables just yet. Crikey - I do like putting pressure on myself don't I?

It's not easy being a hero.

Crashed rozzer car

Well, I couldn't think of anything interesting to write today, so I cheated. So here's a bit of footage I caught on my mobile phone last year.

What a different world it would be

When I wake up at 5.14am and can't get back to sleep, my mind doesn't half become active. Possibly because at that time of the morning I am still clinically deceased and therefore not quite 'with it'. Anyway, my brain never ceases to amaze and intrigue me so it was no surprise to me when I had the following thought - 'what a different world it would be if cars had never been invented'. Specifically, if the internal combustion engine had never been invented.

The trick with this one is to imagine a world bereft of all vehicles. No cars, buses, lorries or motorbikes. Instead - horses and carts. However, the rest of the world is just the same. So there are computers, satellite telly, Bush & Blair, Marmite, mobile phones, edible underwear and double-glazing salesmen. So everything is exactly as you see it right now dear reader, except that the roads are full of horses and carts. This takes some thinking about, so here are a few things that popped into my head as I cogitated this morning:

Car tax would become Cart tax. Cart tax would pay for clearance of horse poo
Lorries would become extra large carts pulled by teams of Shire horses
Carts would be made by existing companies like Ford, Toyota, Land Rover and Ferrari
You'd still have to pass a driving test, including a three-point turn with a horse
Petrol stations would instead be Hay depots with different grades and prices of hay
Traffic lights, roundabouts and motorways would still exist
The speed limit in towns would be 6 mph and 12 mph on motorways
Like cars, carts/carriages would have SatNav, CD players, headlights and air con
Drive-Thru MacDonalds'would still exist but would be re-named Trot-Thru's
Youths would still go joyriding, albeit at about 13 mph
Both horses and carts would require a yearly MOT
Kwik-Fit would replace cart wheels along with horseshoes
Some people would still add spoilers and go-faster stripes to their carts

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the world like this? I'm just imagining the large Argos cart pulling up outside my house to deliver the new fridge freezer. Or a couple of boy racers at the traffic lights, just waiting to race each other with their respective second-hand carts. Just think what the M25 would look like at 'rush' hour or your local NCP car park. Fabulous!

I could go on, but I've got to feed Dobbin before I go to Tesco's.

Oh go on!

One Day in History is a project aiming to create an online archive of a day in the life of the UK. The BBC website says "The National Trust is encouraging people to record a diary of their day on a website, as part of what is being called 'Britain's biggest blog'. The blogs will then be stored by the British Library and at other locations".

So basically, it's your chance to leave your mark on history. Your 15 minutes of fame if you like. I've done mine and to be honest, it felt quite nice to be contributing to a fairly momentous event. So I think it's a great opportunity for everyone to have their say and let the world know what dull lives we all lead. So just click the title of this posting and it'll take you straight to the site.

Go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on ... (etc to fade)

USPAS comment killer

Doh! I made a boo-boo. There's me banging on about how easy it is now to leave me a comment and then I go and make a schoolboy error. So, I get a fabulous bit of creative literature (USPAS - needs explaining) from a generous correspondent and what do I do? I publish it then I delete it! My God, it's a good job I'm not in charge of a nuclear missile base - "So red is 'launch missile' and green is the dinner bell - er, I've got that the wrong way round haven't I?" Thus instead of bangers and mash for everyone at the base, it would be global, thermonuclear war and the annihilation of the human race for ever.

OK, it's only someone's comment - but it's important. Now, if the person concerned can send that little comment to me again I can re-publish it. Believe me, I tried to get it back but like an otter in a flood - it just wouldn't return. If you've forgotten what you wrote then email me at 'bornthendie@mac.com' and I'll email you back with your comment and then you can post it on here again and then everyone can read and then I'll be happy and you'll be happy and then there will be world peace and everyone will be happy.

Happy now?

I wish my blog was famous

Yes, I know it's a bit sad but I'd love to have a famous, well-known blog. I'd even like to know how many regular readers I have. I know of a few loyal followers of my inane drivel (thanks to you - you know who you are) but who else reads my rambling waffle? Maybe I should write more interesting, controversial stuff. Or maybe I should drone on about social injustice; religous disquiet or political subversion?

Oh bugger it - I'll just keep posting stuff about manky trees, Homer Simpson and ... the smell of wee! Actually it's just come to me. Why does your wee smell of Sugar Puffs when you've eaten Sugar Puffs? If you don't know what they are then you'll just have to believe me when I tell you this is, indeed, the case. It doesn't happen with any other foodstuff. I don't recall my tiddle ever having the odour of a cinnamon bagel or spicy vegetable pasty. So why the sugary breakfast cereal? It really is a mystery and the sort of thing that keeps my brain ticking over. Actually, that's a rather worrying admission. My cognitive thought processes are kept stimulated by cogitating the science behind the causes of cereal-related wee smells. Surely there's more to me than that?

Obviously not.

When facelifts go wrong

If you've not read 'You're Born And Then You Die' before, then this posting will be utterly meaningless. Mind you, most of my postings are utterly meaningless. Anyway, I digress. A couple of weeks ago I changed the whole appearance of this blog (see previous postings) as I thought it needed a bit of a facelift. Well, we all know how facelifts can go horribly wrong - Joan Rivers springs to mind. So, the feedback I've been getting was that new look was just awful and somehow didn't sit well with my valued 'blogees'. And who am I to question you, dear reader?

So, it's back to black and I have to be honest - it looks damn sexy. It looks chic, sophisticated, articulate, sassy, responsive, proud, independent, glamorous, wanton, lustful, rampant ..... er, er .....

Time for my medicine. Enjoy.

Pain in the neck

I've knackered my neck. Well, not totally but I've definitely pulled a muscle or two and it's really painful. I did the same thing a few weeks ago, although I don't know what I did then so I don't know why the hell it hurts so much now. Due to the unremitting pain, I also have a semi-permanent headache too which is really special.

Therefore I'm not going to write a post today because I feel truly grotty. Ah. I seem to be writing a post. Bugger. Right, well I'm not writing any more now. I just need to repair my neck, give it some TLC and just be patient. Talking of being patient, I was thinking of popping down to the doc's but they'll only patronise me and give two junior Asprin, so I have decided to let my neck get better 'au natrel'. OK, time to stop typing.

My fingers are having sympathy pains.

Ping pong addiction

A friend of mine recommended this "great' game for my Xbox 360. I scoffed at his suggestion but I bought it because it was on offer at HMV. Well, what's £20 amongst friends? Mind you, I was extremely dubious about the whole thing ... until I played the little devil. What a laugh. What addictive jollity. What the hell am I doing?

I'm playing computer table tennis. Yes, I know. I thought it would be berserk/sad/infantile/pointless etc, but it's actually a truly wonderful and seriously addictive little game. So much so, I've managed to get repetitive strain injury in one thumb and three fingers in just over an hour. If I were in prison, that would be considered a form of torture. However, it's worth it for the pure enjoyment of charging round the virtual table as you attempt to master a multitude of spin shots, lobs, smashes and 'focus shots' (whatever the hell they are)whilst the music increases and the crowd whoop and clap a bit.

Trust me - it's cracking fun if you like that sort of thing. Even if you don't, you may just find yourself longing for a bit of bat and ball stimulation. My current favourite character is a little Chinese fella. He has quite an alarming face but his ball control is sublime and he has some very pleasing T-shirts, which is nice.


I think I should lie down for a while.

Bad hair day

This picture (click to enlarge) shows what happens when enthusiasm collides with ability. I saw this poor, mutilated effort of a tree recently and just had to take a snap of it on my phone. Now I don't know if this was done by the owner of the house or if they had actually paid someone to savage their prized arboreal treasure. Either way it looks like a mangled letter 'T'. I actually feel sorry for it and you can imagine all the other trees taunting it and rustling their leaves, just because they actually have some. On the bright side, branches, like hair do eventually grow back but it'll be years rather than weeks before the grotty-looking tree is back to its' former self.

Better find it a really large hat in the meantime.

Nuclear tip of the iceberg

North Korea today, apparently, did a bit of nuclear testing - as you do. They appear to have detonated a device underground at Gilju in Hamgyong province . Now this has caused rather a large amount of international concern and unease. The U.S said that test was a "provocative act", while China denounced it as "brazen". All in all, it looks like the global fear factor has just nudged up a notch.

Meanwhile, back in Blighty, I'm sitting here thinking that testing nuclear bombs is just another item in an ever increasing list of things we are (or are supposed to be) worried about. Here's a few of them: terrorism, heart disease, global-warming, saturated fats, knife crime, fuel prices, identity theft, pension shortfalls, youth gangs, MMR jabs, internet fraud, street robberies, interest rates, ozone depletion, prison overcrowding etc etc. So in the whole scheme of things, nuclear bomb testing actually ranks really quite low in the never-ending list of concerns I'm faced with every day. You know, it's almost a breath of fresh air.

Well, radiation-saturated air.

Feel free to comment

Not only do I now have a spanking new-look blog, but I have another exciting additional feature too. Oh yes indeedy, hold on to your hats; batten down the hatches and glue your pants to your hips - now you dear reader can leave me a comment about any post, anytime, anywhere, any place.

"Big deal" I hear you cry. However, until now you could only leave a comment if you were registered as a fellow blogger. This was clearly a pain in the arse (ass for our American readers). So now you can comment, criticize or congratulate me on any of my posts. Obviously any comments you make will be moderated by my good self. I'm sure none of you would ever leave a comment that was rude, offensive, defamatory, slanderous or abusive, which is a shame really.

I like that sort of thing.

Le Nano est ne tres bon

I am crap at French. However, I'm not bad at computers - despite what my computer-guru / genius chum may say. Anyway, as a big fan of Apple stuff (including my iMac) I'm feeling a tad miserable this Saturday evening. The reason for this mild depression is that my father-in-law's shiny new iPod Nano (see earlier post) turned out to be a Non-o as I spent most of the day at their house, trying to get his prized new possession to work properly.

However, despite all my spirited, technical attempts and those of the techie chaps at Apple, the Nano just wouldn't play nicely with the PC. It all started off fine and we were flying with the new iTunes installed (and updated Quicktime) and soon we had all his music sync'd with his Nano. Then we updated the Nano's firmware and it all went cack.

About 100 minutes of Apple assistance just couldn't solve the problem and in the end we all admitted defeat and arranged for a new one to be sent. Sacre bleu. My father-in-law was dejected but kept a stiff upper lip and a cheery disposition. I, however felt about as jolly as lap dancer in a monastery. As I write, my own iPod is happily belting out thumping drum 'n' bass (or is it Gloria Estefan?) into my lugholes. In fact the little bleeder seems to be rubbing salt into my wounds by just, well, working. Never mind though. I'm sure that by next week, my father-in-law will be bopping round the lounge/garden/Turkish bath listening to something from the 50's on his new, new Nano.

Or digging out his cassettes/78's/wax cylinder. We shall see...

New look

I thought it was about time to refresh the look of YBATYD. Actually, my wife thought it was about time as she has always said that reading white text on a black background does your eyes in. She also felt that it looked a tad messy and generally not a gourmet feast for the optic nerves. So who am I to argue? I definitely agree with the white on black thing. Anyway, I reckon the new look is far classier and comes across as really quite professional.

Obviously the content is the same old tripe.

What is Autumn for?

When you talk about dying, most people say something like "I hope I go quickly" which is a truly sensible way of thinking. No-one wants a lingering death do they? So why the bloody hell does Autumn come along every year to drag out the whole miserable descent into the valley of death - Winter?

Winter in Britain is depressing enough without two months of doom-laden pre-amble. Not only do the nights get slowly gloomier and gloomier but the leaves on all the trees slowly die and then rot in great mounds while dank and dismal fog shrouds the landscape like the Grim Reaper's death shroud. It's such a painful journey from Summer into Winter and it would be so much better without it.

So, how much better and more fun would it be if you went straight from one season into the next? Imagine - 85 degrees, blazing sunshine and melting roads one day; 5 degrees below freezing, snow and icy roads the next. It would be chaos - especially in Britain as we're abysmal at dealing with even the slightest fluctuation in our weather. When it gets a bit warm we get water shortages and hosepipe bans. When it gets a bit cold we get gridlock on the roads and power cuts. So an instant switch from Summer to Winter would be a right laugh. So, Autumn - it's a waste of time and effort and we don't need it.

Spring can stay though. You want a nice slow-burn build-up to Summer. That great feeling that things are getting better, warmer, brighter and greener as Summer gets ever closer. Lambs gambolling in verdant meadows; daffodils swaying in a warming breeze and politicians canvassing for local elections. You can't beat Spring.

Unless you include Summer. But not Winter. Or Autumn.

Pie in the Sky

Sky's excellent satellite television broadcasting; wonderful customer service and cutting-edge technology all make for a first-class reputation. That's why we've had Sky for years and it's been a really positive, value for money experience. So when Sky announced, in the summer, that they were going to introduce a broadband internet service - I was at the front of the queue.

Alas, now I have left the queue and don't plan to return anytime soon. I registered my interest back in July and by August I'd received an invitation from Sky to get my broadband from them. I called them on 24th August and did the necessary which included giving Sky my migration (MAC)code from my existing supplier - BT. A week later I had a letter from Sky saying there was a problem and to give them a call.

I called Sky on 4th September and was told that my MAC code had been rejected. I offered to provide it again but was told I didn't need to - it would be submitted and everything would be fine. I was told that there were problems getting the routers (like modems) out to people. Again, this would be fine as it would be chased and I would receive it soon. Great.

By the 1st October, I was becoming just a teensy bit cheesed-off as I'd neither received or heard anything in the past 4 weeks. I rang Sky. It transpired that after my call on 4th September, nothing had happened to my order. Nowt. Zero. Nil. Zilch. Bugger all. It also transpired that the reason my MAC code had been rejected was because it had been entered in lower case instead of upper case. This should have been known by the staff apparently. The router was never chased.

Surprisingly I decided to cancel my order - well, my non-order. I also asked if the forty quid I'd forked out for the privilege of getting Sky broadband, could be given back to me. The chap on the phone admitted that they were having problems with people's orders and that mine had been "a catalogue of disasters". Encouraging.

So I'm still with BT, who, I must point out, have always provided a great broadband service for me. The only reason I wanted to change was due to cost. £15 a month from BT versus £0 from Sky. So Sky were offering broadband for free. However, as they say: "You get what you pay for" and I sure did.

Sky's broadband cost nothing and I got nothing.

Man-o with Nano

Great news. My father-in-law is 60. No, that's not the great news. The great news is that he's just taken delivery of a shiny new iPod Nano. It's his first foray into the world of portable digital music and I think he's just a tad excited.


I'm a big fan of 'silver surfers'. You know, the older generation who are taking on the challenge of using today's technology. However, it's surprising how many of the younger generation are not au fait with wi-fi, contention ratios, cache-emptying and even Sky Plus. So anyone of more mature years who really gives technology a go is alright by me.

A good example is my mum. She is, let's say, a fair way beyond 70 but she is a demon texter and loves pressing the old red button to get BBCi on her Freeview. This may all seem easy, obvious and commonplace but if you were over 60 when mobile phones first came out, just imagine how alien a concept they would seem when you had been used to two cans and a piece of string for communication.

So now my father-in-law has a Nano. I've already introduced him to iTunes and digital photography so now I want him to visit the land of playlists, album art and podcasts. I get the feeling he's like a kid in a candy store at the moment, which is great. I thought he would take ages deciding exactly what MP3 player to buy because he does like to take his time when it comes to electronic purchases. I think it took him about 18 months to decide what sort of new PC to buy. Bless him. At least he's redeemed himself now with his speedy Nano purchase.

I just hope he can switch the bloody thing on.

Hooray for Sild

You've probably never heard of Sild. However, I love the stuff. Not to eat you understand, oh no. I just love the stupid name and the fact that Sild is nothing more than young Herring. What a fabulous name for a teenage fish. I believe you can still buy it in supermarkets but I'm thinking it may have a limited market in the UK. Or anywhere else on the planet.

I used to have a tin of it which I kept on a shelf in the kitchen. I only kept it because it was always a talking point. Firstly because people would ask what the hell it was and secondly because they would wonder why I kept it. Obviously you have to be a bit soft in the head to keep a tin of fish on a shelf for four years, but actually I saw it more as a celebration of something just pointless. I mean, why young herring? And also, who came up with the catchy name?

Probably the same people who thought of Cilit Bang

Happy car

Oh happy day. My motor is all better, thanks to the nice car doctors. I'm well chuffed, especially as now I won't have to rely on public transport/cattle trucks to move me around the city. Of course, car-mending comes at a price. This time round it was a rather hefty KRW 332,886. You may notice that I've not given the price in £'s. I just thought it would oh so exciting to give it to you in South Korean Won's. I could just have easily given it to you in Venezualan Bolivars (Be 755,066) which is fine if you live in Venezuala. Not so good if you live Bury St Edmunds.

Anyway, the car is back and my freedom has been restored. Mind you, I have to admit that my rather fabulous wife has actually chauffered me to and from work a couple of times this week. I felt like bloody royalty being driven door to door. The only problem was that my wife felt the need to take the chauffeur role to heart. She's invoiced me for £119.

That's VND 3,574,744.93 (Vietnamese Dong) if you're interested.

Getting fruity

In response to my recent post about what to do with my pears, I had a winning suggestion. Obviously I could have chosen the 'steamed pears with pheasant and roast parsnips' or 'glazed pears with wild rasperries and devon cream' but there was only one clear winner. One kind respondent suggested chucking the pears in with a load of booze and just necking the lot. Subtle? No. Fun, easy and morally reprehensible? Definitely.

10/10

Public transport snob?

I think I may be a public transport snob. OK, I know I am. It's not my fault, honestly. The thing is, I've always had a car. As soon as I could drive I saved up like madman and bought my first car. It was a Ford Nail or a Vauxhall Turgid I think and it gave me unbridled, low-speed, leaky, smoky, bald-tyre freedom. It was wonderful.

So imagine my horror when my current car (not a 'Nail' or a 'Turgid') became poorly the other day. Until I can get it to the garage on Friday, it's meant - public transport. Dear God. Now I know millions of people, including you dear reader, utilize buses, trains, trams and rickshaws every day without batting an eyelid.

However, no-one will ever convince me that standing ('cos all the seats are taken) on a packed, sweaty/freezing bus full of fag-smoking baked-beaners, mad old women smelling of tinned fish and hordes of grotty kids yelling "bovvered?" at each other whilst forcing everyone on the bus to endure the latest ditty by Slipknot as it blares out of a tinny mobile phone speaker, is preferable. Preferable to relaxing into my comfy, sweet smelling car as I pop a CD on whilst slipping the gear into waft mode and cruising sedately home. Perfect. So call me a snob, but really, is there anything better than driving yourself to where you want to go?

Taxi!