What is Autumn for?

When you talk about dying, most people say something like "I hope I go quickly" which is a truly sensible way of thinking. No-one wants a lingering death do they? So why the bloody hell does Autumn come along every year to drag out the whole miserable descent into the valley of death - Winter?

Winter in Britain is depressing enough without two months of doom-laden pre-amble. Not only do the nights get slowly gloomier and gloomier but the leaves on all the trees slowly die and then rot in great mounds while dank and dismal fog shrouds the landscape like the Grim Reaper's death shroud. It's such a painful journey from Summer into Winter and it would be so much better without it.

So, how much better and more fun would it be if you went straight from one season into the next? Imagine - 85 degrees, blazing sunshine and melting roads one day; 5 degrees below freezing, snow and icy roads the next. It would be chaos - especially in Britain as we're abysmal at dealing with even the slightest fluctuation in our weather. When it gets a bit warm we get water shortages and hosepipe bans. When it gets a bit cold we get gridlock on the roads and power cuts. So an instant switch from Summer to Winter would be a right laugh. So, Autumn - it's a waste of time and effort and we don't need it.

Spring can stay though. You want a nice slow-burn build-up to Summer. That great feeling that things are getting better, warmer, brighter and greener as Summer gets ever closer. Lambs gambolling in verdant meadows; daffodils swaying in a warming breeze and politicians canvassing for local elections. You can't beat Spring.

Unless you include Summer. But not Winter. Or Autumn.