Out of iTune?

Now I'm about as big an Apple fan as you can get. Sad, but so very true. I have an iMac, various iPod's including an iPod touch; an Apple TV an iPad and an un-nerving appreciation of black, turtle-neck sweaters. I love all that Apple is - how the products function, how the applications interact, how it all works so beautifully in the way I want and even the gorgeous, eye-wateringly beautiful designs.

However, I downloaded iTunes 10 the other day.

I was staggered. I've never seen anything from Apple that is so utterly devoid of beauty and sex appeal. This is aside from the many aspects of iTunes 10's functionality which seem to have been removed. It's grey (or gray if you insist). Very grey. Very, very grey. In fact, it is greyer than an elephant lying in concrete. All the buttons are grey. The lists are grey. All the headings and titles are grey. When you click on anything - it stays grey.

It's grey.

It is devoid of any colour. And I hate it. But it's OK because many, many other people hate it too. Now I'm all for sleek, modern design. Apple's renowned for its minimalistic, artistry when it comes to the creation of their products and applications. But this, this is like a pencil drawing. It has about as much visual appeal as Celine Dion, naked, astride a Velociraptor ... in gravy. Wait - that has too much colour in it.

Suffice to say - using iTunes 10 is a depressing, joy-sapping experience. A bit like biting your own toenails after running a marathon. So why have Apple done this to us? What are they trying to prove? Should I stand accused of 'monochromophobia'? Well if I am, then I plead guilty as charged.

I hate it. So there you have it - in black and white. Not grey.

Aaargh I'm dying. Right, I'm fine now.

OK, so the title's a bit long but it's also pretty descriptive. The World Cup is on as I write and it's been a pretty successful tournament in South Africa. Unless you're an England fan, Asamoah Gyan - the Ghanian striker who missed a penalty with the last kick of the game which ultimately meant his team went out of the competition, or Frank Lampard, whose goal was disallowed despite being around twelve years over the line. However, one thing has driven me mental with anger. Cheating.

Now we all know that football players are prone to exaggerated reactions to fouls and firm tackles but this World Cup has seen things reach a whole new level. Not content with merely diving, when an opponent brushes an ankle or makes the lightest contact with an arm, the players are now performing acrobatic leaps, total body collapses and more rolls than a Greggs bakers' in an effort to win a free kick or get an opponent sent off.

However, a new and impressive feigning technique has emerged which prompted a friend of mine to utter the following: "There should be three cards in football - a yellow card, a red card and an Equity card". For those of you who are not from these fair isles of Britain - 'Equity' is the actors union. And he's right about the acting. The new trend is, regardless of where another player makes contact with you, to collapse to the ground clutching your face and writhing in agony. It's really quite astonishing. Astonishing because the players are so dense that they don't seem to realise that their every movement is captured in super slow-motion, high-definition (unless you subscribe to ITV HD) and also astonishing because FIFA and the officials seem happy to let them get away with it.

I've watched numerous games over the past few weeks where players have given the impression that they have just been shot in the face with an elephant gun from a distance of 4 centimetres, only for the replay to show that they were tapped on the arse by a wayward boot from an ungainly defender. And they really go for it too. I have to say that the Italians, Brazilians and the French seem to be the greatest exponents of this dubious new fad.

Personally, I think that if a referee witnesses a blatant example of 'face clutching' then he should be allowed to smack the offender in the jaw with a claw hammer. And then give him a yellow card for time-wasting whilst he has emergency, reconstructive surgery on the sidelines. And then kill him anyway. Possibly.

If it continues for much longer I may be forced to watch pro-celebrity knitting instead.

Name that car

I just bought a new car. Well I say new, I've never actually bought a brand new one because I've never had enough money floating around in my bank account to do so. When I say 'new' I mean 'new to me'. It's actually three years old, but at least it's a lot newer than my previous, valiant car - Keith.

Aaah, I see some of you flinched at that bit.

People who give car names are, to put it politely 'sad', 'stupid' and 'annoying'. So, yes, I'm one of those people. The new car is called Terry by the way. My boss at work gets really bent out of shape when she hears me discussing the vehicular attributes of Keith and Terry. She really, really hates it and has a rather strong dislike of people who do such things. So this begs the question "why do it"?

Hmmm. Well, personally I just like to give a bit if character to something I spend a great deal of time with. Like a wife or girlfriend. Oh - a bit more flinching there. But think about it. Think of all the long journeys, exciting adventures, sad, dreary road trips, naughty fun, escapes from near-death and sharing of all the seasons, weather and life-changing moments that you experience whilst in your car.

It's hard not to associate some of the most profound moments in your life with your trusty metal steed. I've laughed, cried, shouted, whimpered, sung, screamed, snored, chatted, argued, kissed, hugged, sworn (rather a lot) and daydreamed in Keith. Why on Earth would I not feel an affinity with him. Yes 'him'. My mate. My soulmate. My caring, sharing automobile. Yes I give my cars names. Because they give me so much more in return.

Now where are my car keys....