Surprise surprise - part 2

So after the initial stunned shock, our dear pal soon relaxed and entered into the spirit of things. This was due to two factors. Firstly, the fact that all his friends and family were there to celebrate with him. Secondly, beer. This photo was taken a couple of hours after he arrived and I can only assume that he actually knows the little old lady he's holding aloft, like a prize fish. Mind you, the lady in question seems chuffed to bits although, she had been seen sinking a few ales during the evening.

So, all in all, a fantastic night was had by all. The whole thing was organised in total secrecy by his fabulous fiancée who, to be quite honest, employed staggering amounts of deceit to keep the party a secret. All for a good cause though! During the evening I had the chance to enjoy some bopping on the dance floor. Seeing me dance is like watching your dad on the dancefloor at a wedding. Suffice to say, I always draw looks of amazement and awe as I gyrate, groove and grind. If you have ever seen David Brent's famous 'dance' scene in The Office, you'll get the idea. My wife has a different approach. She dances like an excited child in a chocolate factory, with her eyes fixed at a 45 degree angle, towards the ceiling. Together, we look amazing.

Anyway, back to our dear friend. His actual birthday is on Monday, so he's got the whole weekend to enjoy the partying until the big day arrives. All this for someone who definitely didn't want a party and especially a surprise party. So I'm sure all of my lovely readers will want to wish him a cracking 40th birthday.

Happy birthday Mr M.

Surprise surprise - part 1

We went to our friend's surprise 40th birthday party last night. Objective number one was - surprise. Well, as this photo proves, that objective was most definitely achieved. It's great to see someone who is totally and utterly gobsmacked and lost for words. He admitted to us later that he had absolutely no idea about the whole thing, right up until when he opened the door into the room where all 80 or so of us were gathered.

Result.

It's nearly Mother's Day!

Oh my God! I nearly forgot about Mother's Day, despite the fact that I keep remembering but then forgetting that I've remembered until I remember that I've forgotten. Oh the pressure. Fortunately I know a brilliant florist who makes up a super-massive bouquet for my mum, delivers it personally and takes payment after the event. Now that's what I call customer service.

The good news is that my mum absolutely loves flowers. Despite this, I still feel like I should get her something a bit more imaginative, like an elephant, a bionic elbow or some shares in Charlton Athletic. Some people are just naturally fantastic at gift-buying. I always seem to buy a present that will either A) cause minimum offence, B) be easy to sell on ebay or C) be a Will Young CD. Actually, I don't think 'C' works with 'A' or 'B' so let's forget that.

Whilst I'm on the subject, the most crap present I ever received was a 'collectors' tea-towel with a map of Cornwall on. It wasn't the abysmal depiction of the 'Tin Mine County' that was the worst part. No. It was the fact that it didn't work. Yes, a bloody tea-towel that doesn't work. It was moisture repellent. Honest to God. When you wiped dishes with it, the water just got moved around the plate, whilst the towel stayed sort of dry, like a sheet of plastic would. I've no idea what it was made out of, but suffice to see that it felt similar to that horror of all horrors - 'tracing paper' bog roll. If you don't know what 'tracing paper' bog roll is, then ask an adult. If ever something failed to do exactly what it was designed for, it was that deadly bog roll which absorbed nothing and ... well, just remember that the tea towel just moved moisture around...

Enough said.

Amazing fact of the day

A short but incredible posting today. Guess which country are the current World Elephant Polo champions? Nepal? India? Nope. It's Scotland. Oh yes, and you can find out more by clicking the title of this posting. Ain't that just berserk?

Mind you, having had a quick look at the World Elephant Polo Association (WEPA), I discovered that Iceland have a team. Iceland?? How many bloody elephants are there in Iceland?

About the same as in Scotland I suppose. Nil.

Where in the world ... ?

... PC World. Well, that's what the ad on the telly says anyway. I popped in to my local PC World this fine, sunny morning, as I needed a new firewire cable. Having checked on the Tinterweb, I knew that, obviously, I could get one cheaper online than I could in the shops. However, convenience and instant-ness (what?) are always worth paying a few extra pennies for.

Unfortunately, the price difference was a tad more than even I was prepared to pay. Online, the cable cost £9 which included delivery. PC World were asking slightly more for the same cable. They wanted £21. Yes, that's £12 extra. Bugger that. I was mildly miffed at this but my mood improved considerably as I was leaving the store. Being Sunday morning, I assumed it would be fairly quiet in the shop, especially as it had only been open for 8 minutes. I was wrong. The service and repairs counter already had a large queue of disgruntled-looking punters, clutching various bits of computer in their impatient little hands. I couldn't help but smirk (oh, and take this photo) as I thought that maybe if they'd perhaps bought a computer from another company (er, can't think which one ...) then maybe they'd be relaxing at home on a Sunday morning, surfing the Net, sending emails or listening to some nice, downloaded music. Hmmm.

Talking of 'where in the world', on Saturday, my wife and I popped down to Herefordshire for a family 'do'. Fine. Nice, easy 2.5 hour drive down to the place and enjoy the day. One slight problem. We entered the UK's Bermuda Triangle. In short, from arriving at what turned out to be 3 miles from our destination, to actually getting there, took longer than the 135 mile trip from our bloody house. At the end of one road there was a signpost to the village we were looking for. We drove down it. When we got to the end of the road, there was another signpost for the village ... pointing back the way we'd just come. This road was about 2 miles long and either side were fields. And a cow. No village.

After several mental breakdowns, failed mobile phone calls (no signal), asking directions from some ramblers and a man who was making a hedge, following some other relatives until their car broke down and my wife having to 'tootie-down' in a field to have an emergency wee, our fuel-starved car finally pulled up at the venue. We felt like Sir Edmund Hilary and sherpa Tenzing reaching the summit of Everest. Mind you, they didn't have pints of lager and a 13 foot table laden with buffet gorgeousness to bring them back from the brink of death.

World-weary explorers love an onion bhaji and a pint of Carling.

I told you

Still here

Alas, I have absolutely nothing of note to say today but I thought I should at least 'check in' so that you don't get all worried and think I've run away to join the circus or become a driving instructor in Laos.

Oh, well I have just downloaded a nifty little (free) application that allows me to make time-lapse movies. Expect something dreadful soon.

Yay.

A great lay

Sad but true. I'm excited about a carpet. Let's be honest though, our gorgeous new bit of floorware has not only been laid perfectly, but it looks the canine's love-spuds to boot. The photo shows the carpety lovliness sans furniture, in all it's glory. And the best bit? It's not royal blue. Yes, our previous carpet was a deep and disturbing blue. Blue, like the sea. Sometimes, when we were sitting on our sofa, it felt like we were on cross-channel ferry.

Now however, the lounge feels more like a room than a busy shipping lane and that's just great. The only downside is we still have 2 months to wait for our groovy new leather sofas to arrive from, er, Singapore. Fear not though dear reader, we shall be dragging one of our ageing sofas back in from the garage so that we don't have to go all Japanese and sit on the floor.

There's a pouf on its way too. Oh yes.

Dead stop

I don't usually rob stories off the Tinterweb but this one made me laugh. A 47 year old woman from Wales was caught by a speeding camera doing 41mph on a 30mph road. The problem was that she had only got a provisional licence which meant she was going to be in a bit of bother. So what did she do?

She said she was dead.

When the rozzers wrote to her she bravely ignored the letter. When the court then issued a summons, she wrote back, pretending to be her daughter, saying that her 'mum' had been killed in a car crash. Brilliant. Unfortunately the court were a tad suspicious and she ended up getting nailed by the long arm of the law. Well, I say nailed. She got a pathetic six month suspended sentence. I reckon she should have had both legs lopped off and the phrase 'I'm a crim' tattooed across her face.

Perhaps it's best I'm not a judge.

Fame and all that

It's Saturday, I'm at work and I have a headache the size of Izbekistan. That asisde, I'm just fine. T'other evening after work, some colleague-chums and I availed ourselves of a nearby hostelry whereupon the conversation turned (after a discussion about sewing lasted for less than 9 seconds) to 'famous people wot I have met'.

It's quite surprising how many famous people we have all encountered over the years. A couple of er, highlights included someone who accidentally laid a hand on the royal bosom of Princess Caroline of Monaco, in a swimming pool; someone else who got to interview big-faced laugher - Brian("Gordon's alive!)"Blessed in a caravan; someone who once danced with Kylie Minogue for "about 5 seconds" and finally me, who once put a naan bread on the head of Joseph Fiennes (bruv of Ralph) during a meal at a curry house in Birmingham.

However, the award for the 'Most Crap And Tenuous Link To Someone Famous' was the person who's ex-boyfriend's auntie was once the P.A for Ken Dodd . How rubbish is that? Mind you, I came a close second with my thrilling account of seeing the back of Aled Jones' head as he stood on a pavement talking to a rozzer.

Can any of you beat that?

Yay, Harry Podder!

My esteemed Scottish coleague is, as I've mentioned before, something of a literary enigma. Despite this high-brow exterior, she also likes to 'dumb down' and join the rest of us from time to time.

A case in point is Harry Potter. She's a big fan of the bespectacled wizard (as am I)but not to the point of being an obsessive. Some people, however, are a little more enchanted by the whole H.P thing and love nothing more than to chat in online forums about anything and everything 'Potter'. There are a number of websites that encourage people to discuss the minutae of the books; the plot lines; the hidden meaning behind certain fragments of text; the many complex relationships and inter-relationships of the myriad characters and even to point out the tiniest mistakes which Ms Rowling has dared to make in her (so far), six tomes.

However, the more amusing reading comes when you encounter the chat forums where some of our American friends reside. Here are a couple of amusing Q&A's that my colleague discovered. One correspondent from Utah proclaimed that Hogwart's was definitely in England because "the train never crosses any water to get there". Someone from the UK replied that there are, actually, two little-known countries called Scotland and Wales which are connected by land, to England. Another cracker came from someone in Wyoming who declared that the Harry Potter books are "based in a country called Kent, which is near England". Bless our little chums across the pond.

Oh what do I know? I had no idea Paris was in Texas.

Hot 'Hot Fuzz'

I loved it - the new 'Hot Fuzz' film with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead). Cracking action, humour and great gags. I loved the swear box with the list of rude words and their penalty. N*b was a 10p fine and I'm not going to mention the swear word which justified the £2 fine.

Nick Frost was hilarious as the country-bumpkin village bobby and I still laughed out loud at the fence jumping bit, although I'd seen it in the trailer loads of times. The massive shoot-out scene/s are just wonderful and I especially enjoyed the beautifully coiffured granny giving it the full bifters with the mother of all machine guns.

I could waffle on but it's accidentally now tomorrow (Wednesday) and I need some sleep. Suffice to say, a great action comedy with some truly memorable scenes. As well as some great dialogue uttered by Danny Butterman (Frost), including this question he asks Nicholas Angel (Pegg) as he's sitting in a classroom with a load schoolchildren:

Is it true that there's a point on a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?

Boots and stuff

OK, I just realised that it's Sunday and I've not posted since Wednesday! I'm glad my car is more reliable than I am. Honestly, I'm rubbish sometimes. However, I'm clean, loyal and can use the toilet.

Well anyway, here's a summary of my life over the last few days. On Friday we had some chums round. They're a great couple and we always have a jolly evening when they visit (or, indeed, when we visit them) full of good food, good drinks and great chitty-chatting. On Saturday, me and my wife headed out on a mission - to get my birthday boots. We were fantastically successful (see the pic of some boots just like mine) in that we got a £100 pair for just £50. Bargain. She's great at hunting out bargains. We also got the cat a new cat-blanket thing due to us having to throw the old one in the bin due to an excessive amount of cat vomit being dumped on it last week. I did try and wash it in a bucket, in the garden but it must have been some sort of nuclear sick because even proper washing powder couldn't shift it. What a cat.

Today's been a tad lazy. This is mainly due to the rather dismal weather. However, I did witness the Arsenal and Chelsea bods having some pagga during the League Cup final which, sadly, Chelsea won. I just get bored with them winning everything at the moment. Just wait until Birmingham get back in the Premiership. Er ...

I'll tell you all about my craptacular Tesco savings experience soon as well as an upcoming hair-related event. Oh yes. And, I've also decided to start posting a few stories from my childhood. Nothing amazing, just the usual stuff like how I nearly died, our mental, lorry-chasing dog, my head-in-a-bus-door trauma and my church-based trouser accident.

Game on.

'Bob on' boiler

Hooray! It's like the bloody Maldives in our house now. The boiler is fixed and it didn't cost a penny. Boiler repairs is one of the dullest subjects known to man but when you've had no heating or hot water for a couple of days, it becomes a truly wonderful subject.

It was actually a tiny problem caused be, er, me. I should have checked the pressure on the boiler rather more than 3 times in two years. A simple thing but I forgot. Anyway, the boiler ended up with a bit of low pressure and .. and *yawn*... Anyway, the good news is that it's all fixed and working beautifully. The two chaps who came to sort it were great and a real credit to their company - Worcester Bosch. They got here dead early too. When I rang cuzzer services they came out with that standard (and dreaded) phrase "any time between 8am and 6pm". That always means hanging round the house for the whole day, only for them to arrive at 5.57pm. These chaps were different though. 8.24am they arrived. I was still in my pants. Mind you, I didn't greet them at the door in my trolleys, I did dress first. I'm no 'baked beaner'.

Well after a jolly half hour they were all done and they even gave the boiler a really good 'once over' before departing. Now being three blokes, at first, there was a lot of silence amongst us as one bloke checked the boiler, the other bloke checked the bloke checking the boiler and I checked the boiler-checker and the boiler-checker-checker. However, we soon found a common subject which resulted in some long, humorous and lively banter. Yes, we talked about footie. Fear not though dear reader, I won't re-live the football chit chat as I know some/most of you have no interest in 'the beautiful game' at all. Apart from the ELF Cup of course. Either way, the chaps and I had a good natter and I soon felt my feminine side evaporating. I didn't even offer them a cup of tea.

Suffice to say, the whole visit was very jolly and the blokes were really efficient and friendly. The other bonus of course was that our house no longer feels like 1970's East German warehouse in mid-winter and, apart from the cat vomitting this morning, the world now feels a whole lot warmer and more wonderful.

I think I'll just sit back and relax in my pants.

Off the boil(er)

It's winter. It's cold. We have gas central heating. Our boiler broke. Oh dear. Well, actually, it's not such terrible news. I was just being dramatic in the hope of some sympathy. OK, here's the exciting details: yesterday morning we found that the boiler (a very compact 'combi' boiler) had cried during the night. There was a fair amount of water on the kitchen work surface, but not enough to make you shout "quick, run, tsunami!" Anyway, we had to switch the thing off to prevent anything serious happening to it and of course, as a result, off went the heating and the hot water.

The good news was (and is) that a) it's pretty mild this week (about 52F in the day and 48F at night) and b) we have an electric shower and c) a gas fire in the lounge. This is all very good news. So yes, the house is a a tad chilly but really not that bad at all. Anyway, I called a recommended plumber/boiler company and arranged for them to come and 'do their thang' on Weds morning. This was the earliest they could come out. We didn't bother to call the manufacturer as we'd had the boiler for nearly two years so it would be well out of warranty by now.

However, I decided to have a quick look at their website and discovered that they cover their boilers for 24 months. Tentatively, I called their cuzzer service department and joy of joys, they confirmed that it is still covered under the warranty. They are sending a little chap round tomorrow who will hopefully fix the leak and we'll be back in business. Obviously, I may well post tomorrow saying that it's all gone horribly wrong, will cost thousands and we'll have to make a camp fire out of the cat, just to keep warm. Oh well, either way, I'm off to have a lovely warm shower now.

Oh God, I hope there's not a power cut.

Happy Birthday to me

It's my birthday today. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Of course there has to be a downside doesn't there? I'm working later on. Bugger. Never mind, I shall still be able to absorb the warm glow of love from family & friends. As part of my birthday indulgence, my wife has just zoomed off to Tesco to buy me some fake bacon so I can enjoy a luxury brekkie. Oh yes, I know how to live it up.

Prezzies this year are mainly in the form of cash (as requested by moi) cos I want to buy some funky walking boots so that we can go tramping over protected heathlands and enviromentally-delicate conservation areas whilst getting fit and healthy. Manky old trainers just don't cut it when your trudging through a peaty bog. Mind you, I haven't trudged through a peaty bog since I went on a miserable, November school trip to Wales in 1837.

Well now I'm 41 and all the hullaballoo of last year is but a distant memory. The only major event I have to look forward to now is being 50 in 9 years time ... er, that's a bit depressing so I'll not continue on that train of thought.

So happy birthday to me and to everyone else who has a birthday today: another Rich whom I work with, another chap with whom I work with, Paris Hilton, Barry Humphries, Norman Pace, Rene Russo, Patricia Routledge, Michael Jordan, Denise Richards, Ruth Rendell and Gene Pitney although Gene won't exactly be celebrating due to not being alive. Have a great birthday everyone, wherever you are.

I know I will!

Techno Ten Pin

All hail Ten Pin bowling. It's ball-chucking, lane-smashing, skittle-killing fun for everyone. But wait. Imagine your usual ten pin bowling experience with that added pizzazz of flashing, strobing, moving, multi-coloured lights, theatrical smoke and a thumping techno-beat. Oh yeah baby! You have Techno Ten Pin.

Four of us went bowling last night and we were expecting the bog standard (but fun) experience. However, as we waited to collect our oh-so-attractive, MegaBowl shoes, this huge, pounding beat started vibrating my vertebrae and we realised that something special was about to happen. Then all the lighting changed and we were plunged into a late 1980's techno dance club - but with balls.

It was fantastic. One big advantage was that the lighting and fake smoke hid the general tardiness and detritus that prevails in our local bowling alley. Also, it really made for some interesting bowling actions as you found yourself 'techno-ing' your way up the bowling lane before unleashing (at an average speed of 5.26 mph) your ball into the smoky, strobed abyss where the UV-lit skittles lurked. The whole atmosphere was fab and it obviously helped focus my mind just like Luke Skywalker's did when Obi-Wan was helping him nail the Death Star - "let the force be with you". Even at 5.26 mph. As a result I was victorious in both games (126 and 131) although I thrice failed to make a 'turkey' which is, apparently, 3 strikes in a row. Maybe I'll nail a turkey next time.

Gobble that, Skywalker!

Gorgeous crunchy snack of the day

You can't beat a puff. Especially a crunchy, sweet-chilli flavoured one. I just bought a bag of these beauties from a deli and they are SO delicious. Unfortunately they cost £2 for the 150g bag, which is a tad pricey. Mind you, my gob is still experiencing a post-nookie style afterglow as a result of the passionate assault on my taste buds. Yum.

I've emailed the company - 'Olives Et Al' (click on the posting title for a link)to find out where else (other than the odd deli) they sell their stuff so I'll report back as soon as I get a reply. Maybe they'll see this posting and send me some free puffs.

You can't beat a free puff.

Love love love

Despite my last post, I'm not a miserable git. Hell no! I love my wife. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my cat. I love YOU dear reader. I love loving and I love love. I love being loved. I love the love of loves loving loveness with lovely love.

Love it!

Happy Valentines Day

Well love is in the air today. However, me being me, I'm going to have a moan. Valentines day really annoys me. Why does love have to happen on 14th February? Why does love cost nine times as much on 14th February? Why are you called un-loving if you ignore 14th February?

Bloody commercialism. That's why.

My wife and I buy each other a card, just to prove that we haven't forgotten that it's 'Commercial Love Day' but we refuse to waste our money on buying massively over-priced flowers or having to endure that nightmare scenario of two hundred couples crammed into a grotty Pizza Express, trying to demonstrate their undying love for one another by ordering extra toppings for their 12 inchers.

Love and romance should happen spontaneously and naturally. Now this might sound like real bah-humbug stuff but it all seems so obvious. If you go for a romantic meal on 15th Febuary, you a) have a quiet romantic meal; b) enjoy the experience; c) did it because you felt like it; d) can afford to have a better quality wine and really treat yourselves. If you go on the 14th February, none of the above is true.

I feel special if something romantic happens to me on 23rd May or 7th October. Why? Because the date isn't the important thing - the gesture is what matters. Birthdays are different. They actually celebrate an event. And birth is a pretty big event. So keep sending the birthday cards. I dunno about Christmas. I'll rant about that another time.

So, let's see love flourish on every day of the year. Why not surprise the one you cherish on a day other than 14th February? Now that would truly be a sign of love. However, if you are celebrating today, then I hope you enjoy your chocolates, flowers, declaration of love, painted on a twenty foot banner, draped from a bridge, romantic dinner, edible underwear or whatever you have planned.

Just remember to start saving for next year.